Unfriended: The Shittening

If you’re anything like me, you are sick to death of movies with engaging storytelling, proper sound mixing, smooth frame rate and interesting, likeable characters. Well you are in luck! I have just the movie for you. My comrades over at drunkinagraveyard also wrote a review for this badboy, so check their take on this movie over yonder

 

Unfriended is almost the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life and if you scroll down past this review you’ll see that I recently watched 50 shades of grey. So yea, that should be an indicator. That being said, this movie was hilarious and super enjoyable in the theater. One of my favourite parts of seeing a horror movie in the theater is the moment when the entire audience turns on it and just starts openly mocking it. Unfriended did not disappoint in this aspect. It disappointed in literally every other aspect though. Did I mention this movie features not one, not two, but three MEMES. Not even Pepe the sad frog either, just like really really bad macros.

THE HORROR

THE HORROR

 

Unfriended is filmed entirely via imessage, skype, facebook, and youtube. This is at the very least and interesting filming technique and I must say most of the dread I felt was over whether or not a character would click a related youtube video called “cat does backflip” (she did not click. )

 

It opens with the main character, Blaire, watching a liveleak video of her friend Laura blowing her brains out, as one does. Laura killed herself because she was being cyberbullied after an embarrassing video of her was leaked online. After watching this,  Blaire talks to her boyfriend Mitch (or Mitchie as she calls him, because she is awful and a teen) and they do some really bland internet flirting before their insufferable friends join them all in a group skype.

WE ARE AWFUL Y'ALL

WE ARE AWFUL Y’ALL

 

Is this a thing that happens? I haven’t been a teen for awhile so maybe this happens? Help me, I’m old.

The friends are as follows: fat comic relief guy, drunk rich friend, blonde girl, and MYSTERY GUEST OF EVIL

They all start getting weird messages between each other and can’t figure out who this extra person is who doesn’t have a mic or camera on. Honestly if a webpage takes longer than 30 seconds to load I’m just like “ehh screw this” and close my laptop. So if I was in some skype conversation and this happened I would be like “ehhh screw this” and hang up on my miserable friends. Also this takes place on a Monday at like 930 so I don’t know how their parents are like SHUT UP AND GET OFF THE COMPUTER. I remember during Christmas one time I got Grand Theft Auto: Vice City and spent the entire Christmas break playing it until my dad burst into the basement and yelled at me to leave the house, so late night skype sessions on a weeknight WOULD NOT FLY in my house.

I had the time of my life

It was the best of times

 

While this is all happening, Blaire is messaging her boyfriend to talk about how weird it is that this person is in the group chat.

 

You know those friends who send you a text and if you don’t respond right away they send you another one that’s just “?” Blaire does this to MITCHIE several times in the span of a minute and it was giving me a stroke. Apparently it is the anniversary of Laura blowing her face off and the group start to suspect things are amiss on the world wide web when they can’t unfriend Laura on Facebook, and when its discovered that the mystery person is using Lauras old skype account. Honestly, this entire movie I couldn’t stop thinking about this tweet from Tyler the Creator.

BHYOKrUCUAAaJDU

 

They bring some other broad into the mix who apparently uploaded the embarrassing video that made Laura kill herself in the first place, she denies this but Laura ghost uploads a screenshot to her instagram that shows her telling Laura to kill herself (are you still with me?) this broad then gets killed by the ghost. Also keep in mind all of these scenes are on skype so its full of dropped audio, frame freezes and buffering.

Eventually the Laura ghost or whatever who cares reveals herself and says she wants to play a game. Fat comic relief says its just a troll and says “obvious troll is obvious” and my soul flew out of my body.

dramatic reenactment

dramatic reenactment

Minutes later he gets killed by the ghost after trying to get rid of it via a Trojan virus? I dunno, he’s fat so he’s probably good at computers. He dies in the most confusing way possible. Via blender. He jams his hand in a blender and then breaks the glass and shoves his neck directly into the spinning blades. I assume it was on Ice Crusher setting. Also I guess the ghost can possess blenders as well as computers? I have no idea.

THE SILENT(??) KILLER

THE SILENT(??) KILLER

 

The remaining people are really freaking out because they all cyberbullied Laura under fake names telling her to kill herself. Hahaah KIDS TODAY

Laura makes them play a game of “Never have I ever” and they have to put a finger down if they’ve done the activity she says. This scene brought up a lot of questions. I understand that it was meant to turn the friends against each other but some of the scenarios seemed like they needed further explanation. Blonde girl lied and said Blaire had an eating disorder, Mitchie turned in Rich kid to the cops for selling weed (not cool bruh!) Rich kid roofied some girl and then made her get an abortion (wait, who? When???) and Blaire and rich kid totally BONED and lied to Mitchie about it. Poor sweet Mitchie.

So I guess they’re all just scumbags. Oh also Laura sends them photos of Rich kid and Blaire together in meme format and it says like “Im in ur bed sleeping with ur gf lollololol” so I don’t know if Laura has access to a meme creator beyond the veil or what? I think hell would just be nonstop memes and Rick rolling actually.

 

Blaire and Rich kid then get their HP INKJET PRINTERS HAUNTED and the ghost prints out some papers for them but they refuse to show the group. Mitchie is really spazzing out at this point because not only is he being haunted by a vengeful spectre, he found out his girlfriend cheated on him. Talk about a case of the Mondays. He threatens to hang up if Blaire doesn’t show him the paper so she does and it causes rich kid to shoot himself? I have no idea. This review might seem jumbled but the actual movie was super confusing and not because it was a really complex plot but just because it was so nonsensical and I don’t get kids these days.

 

So now its just Blaire, Mitchie and the blonde girl. Blaire goes on Chat Roulette to look for help (wieners) and finds a girl who calls 911 for the blonde girl who is being terrorized by the ghost in her bathroom. I guess Blaire couldn’t call 911 with the phone she used earlier to call her friend but WHATEVER

 

The confusing roundabout way to fit the site Chat roulette into the movie  is fruitless because the blonde girl is getting electrocuted to death via a hair straightener down her throat. Laura then uploads a picture of it to Instagram that says “I guess she finally STFU” and my soul not only flew out of my body, but hailed a cab, took it to the airport and flew to Barbados.

 

Now its down to the gruesome twosome. Also, its now like 10 on a Monday night and they’ve been shrieking quite consistently so I don’t know how this didn’t end with an angry parent storming in and telling the kids to go to bed.

 

Laura tells Blaire that she will kill whoever uploaded the video in the first place and Blaire sells out Mitchie. She is clearly not a ride or die chick. Mitch stabs himself in the eyehole and dies. RIP sweet Mitchie.

 

But then Laura is like PYSCHE I KNOW IT WAS YOU!!! and kills Blaire. What a heel turn!!

 

THE END

 

But wait, I know you’re wondering what was on this leaked video?? Well I will tell you.

 

Laura got drunk at a party and pooped her pants and Blaire filmed it. That’s it.

Now I don’t know if its because I’m almost 30 and have been very drunk several times but who cares? I’ve never pooped my pants no, but I’ve peed in alleys, puked in alleys, puked in my friends shower while crying, passed out while trying to get a shirt off and becoming trapped in it, fallen up the stairs, fallen down the stairs, fell off a swing set, puked out of a moving vehicle, had one boob pop out of my dress, fallen on the sidewalk while trying to piggyback someone, fallen on the dancefloor, fallen off a mechanical bull, spilled countless drinks on myself and generally have been a mess while drinking. So I clearly have very little left of my original self respect. If life was a videogame my self respect meter would be at 10% and blinking red. Oh and one time I got blacked out drunk before we even made it to the bar and had to get my friends to pull over while I barfed next to an adult video store. So maybe it would be at 8% and blinking red.

 

essentially me, let's get real.

essentially me, let’s get real.

My point is who cares. I don’t think that’s something that’s worth killing yourself over. Just be like “yup I pooped my pants” or wait a week and I’m sure another teenager will do something twice as dumb and your pants pooping incident will be long forgotten. I understand that they were trying to make a statement about cyberbullying and how awful it is but the message has a hard time hitting home when its revealed that she just went boomboom in her shorts. (white shorts I might add) Also earlier in the movie it was discussed that she was a huge bully who deserved everything she got so I don’t really know if I was supposed to care about that? so a bully got bullied to death and then killed said bullies by bullying them from beyond the grave? So much bullying its nuts!

 

So what did we learn here? I guess don’t cyber bully? Or I guess do cyber bully? I’m very confused.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS:

 

-what kind of ice crusher setting is on your blender?

-are you a hip skype teen?

-If your name is Mitch, do you prefer being called Mitch or Mitchie?

-if you are going to poop your pants, do it in secret and make sure no one films it

-unless you’re getting paid for it

-some websites pay good money for that kind of thing

-google cake farts, you’ll see what I mean.

 

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3 Responses to “Unfriended: The Shittening”


  1. 1 Amy May 3, 2015 at 4:12 am

    I saw this in theatres… I had a ton of free tickets, and had already seen “Get Hard” and couldn’t bring myself to see anything else. I was so freaking confused as a 31 year old. What kind of cross promotion was this? NOBODY NEEDS THAT MANY WINDOWS OPEN, GOD. How her laptop worked with all that bullshit going on, plus Dead Laura being all “serial experiments lain” up in there? I would’ve had Skype and Facebook up. That’s it. Also, you’re right. It’s Monday. Nobody has to chat that bad, ever. Just go to bed or play a videogame.

    At least they tried to fill ONE plothole: mentioned several times that Blaire and Mitch’s dads were off getting hammered together in order to miss this cinematic turd that’d been covered in human hair, then set on fire.

  2. 2 Ashli June 10, 2015 at 11:15 am

    I would like to point out I dragged Rich to go see this movie with me in a theatre AFTER reading this review. We were literally the only people in there and we walked out after I missed the climax of the ghost shitting her pants. I don’t know why I didn’t heed your warnings. I’ve failed you.

  3. 3 Aaron September 19, 2015 at 7:58 pm

    I forgot about cake farts.


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