Christmas Gift Guide!!

well hello there friends. Sorry for the very long hiatus, but I’ve been very busy with real life bullshit. Also I’ve been playing a tremendous amount of Metal Gear Solid. Damn you Big Boss!

aww couple of cuties! I can't stay mad at you!!

aww couple of cuties! I can’t stay mad at you!!

So since its the holiday season, I’ve decided to take the guesswork out of buying presents for your loved ones because you could be using that time to drink, avoid said loved ones, and cry softly in the shower. or like clean the garage or some shit. Anyways, here we go!

1.This weird thing that goes over your cats butthole 

um.

um.

Sometimes I find myself gazing at my cat’s bunghole and I’m all “I’m sick of this view, can’t it be more festive?” well some psychopath has solved that problem(???) for me. These very exciting and dynamic asshole coverings will certainly impress your friends and neighbours. “wow, they must be doing pretty well for themselves if they can afford these enticing butthole covers for their cat!” your neighbours will enviously whisper to each other. You’ll be the talk of the town!

this cats butthole has been spotted by enemy soldiers

this cats butthole has been spotted by enemy soldiers

 

all of this glitz and glamour for the low low price of… 6 bucks? that can’t be right. fuck that’s cheap. You should probably get at least a dozen, hell get one for yourself! possibly for your b-hole?? how exotic!

 

2. this globe bar thing!

TA DA!

TA DA!

do you have someone on your wish list that is a problem drinker? or perhaps an evil boss? or a character on a soap opera? or just someone who enjoys pouring a scotch, turning slowly around to face their guest, then take a sip of the scotch and say “..I have my reasons” to said guest? Well good news!!!

This globe screams both “I have money” and “I have no taste”  its a double thrill! First, its a globe which is great if you need to locate someplace in the world and the internet is down. Secondly, you can fucking put booze in it! how rad is that? You can stare intently at the continent of Africa and wet your whistle all without taking a step!

3. these dumb ass man cave things!

MANCAVE MANCAVE

MANCAVE MANCAVE

Hey ladies, have you ever wanted to banish your husband to the shadow realm or outworld but don’t have the mana or blood sacrifices needed? well you’re in luck because we have the next best thing. The man cave! you can send your shitlord husband to the basement or spare bedroom and make him watch his “sports” or “pornography” or “world war 2 documentaries” in there. You can finally get some peace and quiet from his constant “inhabiting the same part of a house as you” am I right ladies?

And fellas, don’t be too sad that you’re shoved in the back of the house like so many Christmas decorations, you’re free to eat nachos and play with your balls a little and then smell the tips of your fingers to your hearts content in your own private MAN CAVE!!!

4. this very tasteful fairy mirror!

ooooh!

ooooh!

oh boy, such elegance! such glamour! you’ll be wanting to stare at your gross face all day long with this gorgeous mirror. This is definitely one that can be passed down to family members that you passive aggressively hate for several generations!

why is the fairy wearing socks that don’t co ordinate with her outfit at all? who knows! just part of the allure of this very magical and not at all cursed mirror.

how much would you pay for a mirror of such high quality? did you say 26 dollars? if so wow you are really good at guessing the price of stupid ass mirrors. Yes! this is somehow 26 dollars. So don’t hesitate, someone on your christmas list will love this!

5. The CUBE

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 8.41.25 PM

The CUBE is a great present! there’s one on your doorstep right now, just open the door! The CUBE is inescapable, but you won’t want to escape from your new oppressive ruler best friend! look at those lights, so beautiful and mesmerizing, don’t look too long or you might see a vision of your own death at the hands of the CUBE. Buy one for your friends, your enemies, your loved ones, your tax accountant, everyone can use the CUBE and everyone will. Everyone WILL use it. So say The CUBE.

6. this battery organizer

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 8.48.38 PM

Because Fuck it.

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1 Response to “Christmas Gift Guide!!”


  1. 1 kevin December 7, 2015 at 5:01 am

    As your apparently only creepy male stalker… WtF! Is your fan-base all Helen Keller zombies?! This shit is hilarious.


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