Archive Page 2

My foray into madness: I watch The Insane Clown Posse’s feature film

I knew it would come to this eventually, as you all know I love Juggalos so much. So very, very much. They are amazing in every way. I’ve known about this movie for awhile but didn’t decide to watch it until it was added to Netflix. I have no real excuse not to watch it now, so here we are. Before I watch this thing and write down my inner thoughts and/or turmoil about what I’m witnessing, let’s find out the actual plot of, possibly the greatest named movie in the world: BIG MONEY RUSTLAS

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

In the Wild West town of Mudbug, Sheriff Sugar Wolf arrives to confront an over-the-top villain, Big Baby Chips.

Well uhhhh, that’s it. Thats the complete synopsis from IMDB. “big baby chips” is sending me into complete hysterics. I fucking love Juggalos.

Ok so I’m starting this mess now but I feel like i won’t be able to even sit through the whole thing. Pray for me.

This is starting out pretty innocuously with a poker game, OH SHIT ITS BIG BABY CHIPS.  He’s played by the fat one from the band. Shaggy 2 Dope. Yup.

The face of a reasonable man.

The face of a reasonable man.

Also, at this poker game everyone are completely normal looking cowboys except for Big Baby Chips who is dressed like a Juggalo. I feel like if a fat man dressed like a clown joins your poker game, you should immediately fold, leave the bar and possibly move out of town.

This movie brings up so many questions, Do the fans of Insane Clown Posse and western films overlap quite often? Why was this made?? WHO FUNDED IT? more importantly, who fucking wrote it???

After a baffling opening credit sequence, we are joined by a sad man at the grave of his beloved Uncle Anus. You know, pretty common name back in the days of the untamed Wild West. Ohhhh its the other ICP dude, Violent J. Possibly the antagonist of this film??? LETS WATCH ON.

There is a lot of hammy acting and scenery chewing going on here. I’m only 15 minutes in and I am very irritated. I’m not even sure what goddamn genre this movie is supposed to be? Stoner comedy? action movie for the illiterate?

Oh a mexican named Dirty Sanchez, because why not. See it’s funny because Dirty Sanchez is a gross sex act, hahah comedy!!!!! I think I just answered my previous question of who wrote this movie. It was obviously a 14 year old boy who fuelled his all night writing sessions with Code Red Mountain Dew.

Uncle Anus’ nephew is currently plowing some woman in the woods and thankfully it cut to black because I did NOT need a Juggalo sex scene in my life. Thank god for small miracles.

OH NO! Some Native American stereotypes! I hope Uncle Anus’ nephew survives this encounter and lives to carry on the proud Anus family name.

oh the situation was resolved via a series of complicated highfives, as one does.

It’s also worth noting that at random intervals in this movie a wacky sound effect with play with no corresponding action.

This fucking face paint must be so bad for their skin, I bet they have really bad adult acne from it.

Dirty Sanchez just informed the Anus’ boy that the town wells water is more polluted than “a fat chicks ass after running a marathon with no underwear on” oh that Dirty Sanchez has the gift of weaving a beautiful tapestry with his words.

The intrepid Anus is looking for his mother, Handjob Hannah, in the town of Mudbug. She apparently resides at 69 Prickley pecker Lane. I think the Kennedys had a summer home around there.

Ok. So his mom also has Juggalo face paint on. So is the paint permanently on their faces?? is it a genetic trait passed down through the Anus family?  Is Big Baby Chips this guys relative too since he has face paint on?? How deep does this conspiracy go?? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!

HELP ME RUSSELL

HELP ME RUSSELL

Ok well anyways, apparently the Anus’ boy is named Sugar Wolf. I prefer Anus. I would even take Sugar Anus. (Sidenote: that would make a great stripper name)

Sugar Wolf is apparently the new sheriff in town, he got the position from dramatically affixing a sheriffs badge that he found in his moms house to his vest. That’s how it works.

the old sheriff asked where Sugar Wolf is from and he said New York City and the sheriff was all NEW YORK CITY??? I’m hoping this is a reference to those old Pace Salsa commercials but I feel like this movie isn’t clever enough.

I have no goddamn idea whats going on. Theres some sort of poker tournament and some dude got caught cheating so Big Baby Chips (ugh) is getting his henchmen to smash his hand. Also, one of the henchmen is wearing a vest with dollar signs on it and a bowler derby. God help me.

I’m getting very concerned that I might start to think one of the ICP members is attractive. I get cinematic stockholm syndrome where if I’m exposed to someone long enough I start to think they’re cute. I went through an unfortunate Shia Lebouf stage after watching all 3 Transformers movies in rapid succession. Those were very dark times for me. So hopefully a cute guy gets introduced very quickly or I might have to throw myself off a bridge.

Literally nothing has happened and I’ve been watching this for half an hour.

OH FUCK JAY FROM JAY AND SILENT BOB IS IN THIS. He’s looking not half bad. Things are looking up!!!!

Oh a midget is here giving the sheriff a pie. She’s talking about the pie being tasty,  but she’s really talking about her vagina. EUPHEMISMS.

Ugh they’re just panning back and forth between their faces while they make moaning sounds. I WANT TO DIE.

Some dude is stumbling around through town and oh he has lasers shooting out of his eyes because why not. I am 200000% done with this fucking thing.

HE JUST EXPLODED AN OUTHOUSE WITH HIS LASER EYES AND SCREECH FROM SAVED BY THE BELL STUMBLED OUT OF THE ASHES WITH A TOILET SEAT AROUND HIS NECK. GOODBYE WORLD, IVE SEEN ENOUGH.

YOU ALL THOUGHT I WAS LYING

YOU ALL THOUGHT I WAS LYING

HOW. WHY.

IS THIS A SCI FI MOVIE TOO? HE JUST KEEPS EXPLODING THINGS WITH HIS EYE LASERS, HES NOT EVEN SAYING ANYTHING.

WHAT THE FUCK.

ugh.

ugh.

Ok, so his eye lasers were bounced back at him by a mirror and his head exploded. apparently it was one of Big Baby Chips assassins and no one is bringing up the fact that he had FRICKIN LASER BEAMS COMING OUT OF HIS EYEBALLS so I guess in this universe that’s just normal? Also, worst goddamn assassins ever, he just blew up random things with no eye (I’m sorry) on his actual target. 2/10 would not hire.

The wacky sound effects are only getting worse as the movie progresses.

I have stared into the abyss and the abyss has stared back.

I don’t think I can go back to my life before Big Money Rustlas. The Rigby you knew is gone, I have been permanently changed, possibly on the molecular level.

Anyways, While I was having a crisis of faith, Sugar Wolf and his midget lady friend embarked on a “hilarious” dating montage that contained gross making out and a weird scene where she whipped him while he wore a diaper. I’m very upset with myself.

Some man with a large, apparently very smelly foot, is wheeling around town. The actors are really letting us know that he stinks by waving their hands over their noses and going PE-YEW!

Ok for just one scene there was a laugh track. I think I’ve lost my mind.

Apparently this foul smelling man is named “The Foot” and he is another assassin. He just keeps rolling around town yelling IM THE FOOT, BITCH.

I’m very, very sad.

I’m actually laughing really hard at this guy just doing circles in his wheelchair while yelling IM THE FOOT over and over. I think the laughter is keeping the tears from coming. Sugar Wolf dragged the Foot out of his wheelchair and into a pile of TNT which then exploded. He died like he lived: yelling IM THE FOOT.

Whoa! did you guys get a load of that horse??

Whoa! did you guys get a load of that horse??

There’s been a scene of people slapping each other thats lasted what feels like years. This movie is draining my life force.

I have no fucking idea what this movie is about and I’ve been watching it for 45 minutes. I think Sugar Wolf is trying to clean up the town but Big Baby Chips is just sending awful assassins with weird gimmicks to kill him? this is more scattered than the last season of Lost. (thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week)

Sugar Wolfs midget girlfriend took off a mask revealing that she is in fact a man and was sent to kill Sugar Wolf. But I guess he has a vagina? because they had sex, so he’s a transgendered midget assassin? Also talk about the long con.

There’s also been a subplot running during the movie of the old sheriff going to New York City to get chili. It’s ridiculous and I don’t want to talk about it.

Sugar Wolf got shot by his midget lover in his shooting hand, so now Dirty Sanchez is helping him gain back his confidence. That is a summary of roughly 20 minutes of screen time.

I have a headache. I think I’m dying.

Things are happening, but I don’t think they warrant me discussing them. I think I’ve lost all hope. I’m a husk. A shell.

While I was softly weeping into my open hands, Big Baby Chips and Sugar Wolf had a standoff and Sugar Wolf killed Big Baby Chips. It was like that iconic moment when Harry Potter and Voldemort finally came face to face, ONLY BETTER.

OH SHIT before Big Baby Chips died, he announced that he was in fact Sugar Wolfs father. DID I FUCKING CALL IT OR WHAT??!?? I probably shouldn’t be so smug about this.

Well thats that, I did it. I watched Big Money Rustlas. I deeply regret my decision, but I can’t go back in time. I have to somehow learn how to live in this post Big Money Rustla world. It will be hard but I’ll just have to take it day by day. Please keep me in your prayers.

In the arms of the angel, fly away from here

In the arms of the angel, fly away from here

 

BONUS BORING UPDATES.

Oh and PS, feel free to follow my dumbass on Twitter @rigbot, join my Facebook pagearoonie and you can also follow me on Instagram if you want to see pictures of my cat at rigwolfe. Oh and my book is finally done! Its currently being edited so you guys should be able to get it soon!

The biggest flops that ever flopped

Now I love a good flop, I think we all do. Nothing like watching someone else suck at life to make you feel better about yours. I’ve been flopping my way through life for the past 27 years. I once cried after getting stuck in my own shirt. I’m not doing great. So instead of laughing at me, lets laugh at some other flops shall we?

1. Chris Gaines

The fact that he has a greatest hits album is blowing my mind

The fact that he has a greatest hits album is blowing my mind

This is really quite remarkable and I feel like enough people don’t know about it or remember it. Essentially what happened was this:  Garth Brooks decided he wanted to release a rock album but didn’t think people would take it seriously so he made up an alter ego called Chris Gaines and released it under that name. Yes, this is a thing that happened.

He wore a little soulpatch and a stupid black wig and acted all mopey and mysterious. It was like he was living out the plot of a cartoon where a flowerpot fell off a windsill and smashed him on the head and he got amnesia and assumed this  new identity. I don’t know how this even came to be, like at no point did any of his friends or business partners stop and say “wait a minute Garth, this is fucking bonkers” luckily Garth got hit in the head by another flowerpot thus reversing the effects as per the rules of cartoons,  and now he’s back to just being a pudgy white country star. God bless.

2. Movie 43

OH A SEXY LADY SILHOUETTE. HOW RACY

OH A SEXY LADY SILHOUETTE. HOW RACY

I have actually not seen this movie in its entirety. I tried for the sake of this blog and I couldn’t do it,  and I have seen A LOT of bad movies in my day, I once saw a movie called 2 headed shark attack that starred Hulk Hogans daughter. I also just lied, I’ve seen it twice.

This movie is bad on an entirely different level. You know how some people are so lame they’re actually cool (me) thats what 2 headed shark attack was. It knew exactly what it was and we all knew exactly what we were going into. This movie is lying to itself and the general public. There are roughly 8900 celebrities in this movie. I have no idea how all of them agreed to be in it but I assume a healthy mix of kidnappings, blackmail and black magic was involved to get them to appear in this cinematic dogturd. The movie is just a series of skits, each one more brutal than the last, that are held together with an equally shitty framing device. To put it in perspective, one of the skits centers entirely around Kate Winslet going on a blind date with Hugh Jackman and he reveals that he has a pair of balls on his chin. HUGH YOU WERE JEAN VALJEAN YOU DONT NEED TO DO THIS.

Ugh, Now I get why Javert wanted to throw this guy in a cell forever.

Now I get why Javert wanted to throw this guy in a cell forever.

Each skit is like a rejected SNL pitch written by a 15 year old boy. Here’s an actual description of events of one of the skits from the wiki article to really hammer the point home:

“Their dad cheers them up by farting humorously in front of them. As Mikey goes to the bathroom to defecate, Nathan and their father watch a game on television.”

Don’t know how to end your comedy bit? TRY A FART JOKE.

3. The Lone Ranger

ugh.

ugh.

This flop was DELICIOUS to me. I was waiting for this flop the moment I heard they were making this movie. First of all, who the fuck asked for a Lone Ranger movie? what’s next? a Buck Rogers in the 21st Century movie? (that’s a good joke, you’re welcome)

You know what kids these days love? A movie about a cowboy that rob trains with their Native American friend and clocks in at just under 2 hours. OH BOY!

Also, it was very racist. Johnny Depp, no one is buying that you’re a Native American. You’re like .5% Native, that is not enough to portray a Native American in a movie when there are actual Native American actors that could do it.  You can wear all the beaded bracelets and stupid little necklaces you want but no ones falling for it Depp!

This movie lost a shit load of money, like 220 million worth, and everyone involved is super butthurt about it and claimed that North American audiences didn’t “get it” oh we got it, we just didn’t want it.

4. Kony 2012

This picture sums up 2012 quite nicely actually.

This picture sums up 2012 quite nicely actually.

I also throughly enjoyed this flop. You all know about Kony 2012 unless you were in coma for the entire year of 2012.

The first time I saw the Youtube video that started all this rubbish, I was all “yes, but where is this money going??” I don’t have a problem with donating money to say, research for the cure of a disease, or donating money for a pet shelter to buy food, those are legit. But this was just money to “Raise awareness” it was very vague. They wanted to make Joseph Kony, an African warmonger, famous. I feel like this isn’t the best way to go about it. I think  donating money that goes to fixing the infrastructure of the country will probably be a better approach than elevating one guy to a weird supervillian status. I mean yea, let’s fucking kill the dude if we can, but one more insane warlord that kidnaps kids and makes them soldiers will just pop up.

So you could donate money and get a packet of like stickers and shit to let people know you were aware of the existence of Warlords and child soldiers. (Yay!) Turns out stopping one guy won’t make all the evil in the world go away, sure you could donate to say, Unicef, The Red Cross, or other reputable organizations but they don’t give you a bumper sticker and a press package (Boo!)

This spiralled out of control faster than my life the night I ate an entire cheese plate.  Turns out a lot of the money didn’t go to what they said it was going to, and the organization behind the video, Invisible Children, shuffled around funds to pay themselves way more than was needed. But the best part was when the dude who directed the video had a complete and utter spaz attack on the streets of San Diego. Dude went straight bonkers and went on what can only be described as a naked mania, which was of course captured entirely on film. Shortly after his film debut, Kony 2012 kinda petered out and everyone quietly peeled their bumper stickers off and tried to forget the whole thing. I bet Carl Weathers is bummed though, he probably had his fingers crossed for a Kony movie.

 

Well I hope that this helped you feel like less of a flop, I know it helped me even though while I was writing this I forgot I was boiling an egg and it exploded. I’m not doing great.

 

 

Hey Skymall, what the fuck is going on over there?

I can’t be the only one who loves look at ridiculous catalogues and laughing and/or wanting for the products contained within. And Skymall? forget about it! Everytime I get on a plane I cross my fingers that it will both A) not crash and B) have a skymall catalogue. Anyways, Today we’re going to take a look at some of the most “huh?” worthy products I can find on ye olde Internet, and my god are there some great ones.

1. Cat toilet training kit – $59.99 from Skymall

ahhhhhhhhhhh! YES!

The idea of a cat sitting on a toilet makes me completely lose my mind laughing and I wish I had the patience/insanity level to train my cat to do it. It is seriously up there on the list of hilarious visuals along with someone getting hit in the face with one of those giant yoga balls.

Anyways according to the product description this is a step by step training program that will teach your cat to use any “human toilet” I don’t know what other toilet they could possibly be referring to but your cat can’t use it. HUMAN TOILETS ONLY PLEASE. I think how this works is you make the cat sit on those seats and then eventually ween him off until he sits on the regular toilet seat like a big boy. I’m not sure if it shows how to teach your cat to flush the toilet but it better because using the toilet is a two tiered system. Or possibly a three-tiered system if you had Taco Bell for dinner.

DESTROYER OF WORLDS

I would think the odds of this working properly would be extremely slim and probably end with a wet cat and lots of scratches. Let’s see what the product reviews have to say. Well shit according to the three assholes who bought this thing only one of them said it didn’t work for their cat. That is completely blowing my mind and to be honest with you guys I sort of want to buy one and try to get my cat to use it, but since I have been sneaking up behind him and trying to push him into the toilet every time he drinks out of it for the past year or so, something tells me that would end vurrryyy badly.

2. This freaky head thing – 49.95 from Skymall

THE FUTURE

THE FUTURE

ARGHHHH WHAT! This looks like something that would be in a really good 1950’s sci-fi movie and something that would be in a really bad 2010 movie. Jesus H. I’m pretty sure this is what they use in Scientology to read your theton levels properly. Let’s see what the description on this lovely…thing has to tell us

This patented Italian design incorporates Japanese engineering and utilizes acupressure to relax and soothe your problems away. It’s like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp. Simply place our Head Spa Massager on your head and feel the tension miraculously leave your body.

My favorite thing about this is the pensive look the guy has going on. “ah yes, this is enjoyable” I like to imagine he’s listening intently to a conversation but wishing desperately that someone will reference his metal head machine. “that’s very interesting, but did you notice this thing on my head?” WE NOTICE IT.

3. This nightmare of a lamp

vogue, strike a pose there's nothing to it.

vogue, strike a pose there’s nothing to it.

Are you very lonely? Do you like women’s bodies but not their heads? Are you currently reading this in a dark room? Then do I have the product for you!

Imagine stumbling on this every night when you got up for a glass of water. I’m positive at least 80% of people who own this lamp die of heart attacks from thinking some odd headed woman is striking a pose in their living room before murdering them. The cops show up to determine the cause of death and then see the lamp.

“Open and shut case. It was the lady lamp again. Damn you Skymall! when will you learn?!”

It doesn’t help that the thing looks like it’s wearing bondage gear. I’m pretty sure this lamp was commissioned as a background piece in a David Lynch film and Skymall somehow got their hands on the mold for it. It would be great for a haunted house though. I will give them that.

4. These pants

Yuck.

Yuck.

To the untrained eye, these look like shitty old jeans. WRONG! They’re actually shitty pajama pants that are made to look like shitty old jeans. This is some through the looking glass bullshit. The universe is going to fold in on itself. Can you please think of a social setting where it is unacceptable to wear shitty looking pajama pants, but it is acceptable to wear a shitty pair of ill-fitting ripped jeans? The two are mutually exclusive! This isn’t like a Tuxedo tshirt, which transitions easily from day to night. These pants are just terrible in every form.  If you look down and you are wearing these pants, you need to see yourself out of the human race. There’s just no hope for you. Even more troubling, is these are from the Birthday gift suggestion of the Skymall website. WHO IS GIVING THESE AS GIFTS?!

I also enjoy how goddamn long the fly is. It’s like the top are mom jeans, and the bottom are Kurt Cobain’s jeans. It’s the weirdest hybrid I have ever seen. These pants are upsetting me on at least seven different levels and I need to move on.

5. This box that says inspirational things to you but only if your name is Bob.

Well I know what I'm getting my dad for Christmas!

Well I know what I’m getting my dad for Christmas!

 

This is honestly all it is. It’s a box, and when you open it a little voice says “You’re the man Bob!” or “You sure are sexy Bob!” that’s it. I am so baffled by this entire thing. Why? WHY? what purpose does this serve? I mean I guess you could put things in the box, but don’t put your gun in it because if you need to be extra quiet and open it while a robber is rootin’ around in your house it will scream LOOKING GOOD BOB! and immediately give up your position. So I guess maybe you could put like some candy or some random knickknacks in it? I’m seriously so confused by this thing.

The reviews are mixed, half the people who bought it for the bobs in their life said it didn’t work. How dare you Skymall? Is it so hard to produce a quality talking box that will say nice things to a person named Bob? We put a man on a moon but we can’t properly make a disembodied voice tell Bob some nice things about himself? GOOD GOD.

 

Well my credit card is maxed out from buying cat potty training kits and pajama pants that look like jeans, so I guess I should draw this mess to a close. Don’t forget, Christmas is coming up, so maybe buy the Bob in your life a little box that will talk to him!

World War Zzzzzzz: I can’t be the first person to make this joke

I feel like I should get this off my chest immediately: I am that person who says things like “that never happened in the book’ and “the book was way better” I said both those things several times during this movie. but I wasn’t being a snob, I was just straight up correct.

First of all, the actual production of this thing was a nightmare. I feel like it took 58 years to even make it. Brad Pitt was 7 months old when he signed on to be in it. This bloated trainwreck went into Ishtar territory but thanks to the completely useless addition of 3D to help pad the ticket sales, it managed to make some cash. Congratulations Hollywood. You’re mediocre.

The book this film was based on was amazing. It was extremely inventive and is at the top of a bajillion lists of the best zombie novels. It’s really good, you should read it. The book is outlined in such a way that it was essentially a screenplay ready to go. It’s a series of short stories and interviews with the survivors of the zombie war, all linked together with the framing device of a UN employee putting together a history of the zombie apocalypse. This would make a great movie, they could do it mocumentary style and mix interviews with footage of the attacks.

But no. This was not what happened. What we got instead was Brad Pitt running from digital zombies while sporting my haircut from 6th grade. It was a huge mess from start to finish. So let’s talk about it!

Look at it blow so majestically in the wind!

Look at it blow so majestically in the wind!

Right away the movie opens with my most dreaded of all scenes: a happy family all eating breakfast together. I can’t stand children in horror movies. They’re always used to ramp up the anxiety but 95% of the time there’s no way you believe they’re in any actual peril. Also one of the kids has asthma. BOY I WONDER IF THAT WILL COME UP LATER. The family enjoys a nice breakfast full of exposition and we discover Brad used to work for the UN but quit because of either stress or to be with his family I guess. Now he stays at home and I presume braids his own hair.

The family heads out for the day and during a traffic jam SHT GOES CRAY. There are explosions and people running all over the place.  Brad and his family try to escape but his terrible child refuses to get in her seat and they get hit by a car while he’s turned around trying to get her off the floor. Awful. Just awful. They manage to steal a random RV that happens to be in downtown Philadelphia because why not. This was also the first appearance of the zombies and it was not a good look. They were almost completely digital and therefore not scary at all. They were those super fast running zombies, but unlike the super fast ones in the Dawn of the Dead remake or 28 Days later, they were not scary whatsoever. Good effort though?

Later in the RV, Brad gets his old UN buddy on the phone and he’s like “Brad, you gotta boogie, we’ll send a helicopter for you and your terrible family, hold tight bro” but the phone call is cut short because Brads other awful daughter starts having an asthma attack that no one saw coming!!! so now they have to stop for medicine. This bitch.

After using a scene at a grocery store to show that humanity has lost its collective mind in the span of an afternoon, they hunker down in the apt of a nice spanish family and drink all their cervezas!!! Real talk: I would hoard my food like nobodies business. When Franco was hording food in This is the End I was like “Yea, I get it Franco” Also you guys should see that instead of this movie. For reals.

If this screen shot of Franco gesturing towards a porn magazine with a handgun doesn't sell you on the movie I just don't know what to do with you.

If this screen shot of Franco gesturing towards a porn magazine with a handgun doesn’t sell you on the movie I just don’t know what to do with you.

Brad tries to explain to the family that there’s a helicopter coming at dawn to pick them up and they can come too but obviously they don’t. I’m sure this family will live for a very long time.

 

2 scenes later the parents are dead and Brad and his family are on the roof waiting for the helicopter, the little spanish kid decided to ditch his family and join Brads (fiction mirroring reality???). After landing on an airbase that guy who is in movies and always plays a general of some sort is like “here’s the deal Brad, you go try to find Patient Zero and your family can stay here but if you don’t then we’re dropping you off” and Brads like “dang flab it!”

So Brad, a tiny scarf he’s wearing for some reason, and some scientist dude head off to an army base somewhere? (I wasn’t listening) to meet with some soldiers who sent out the zombie alarm earlier but no one listened. Boy are their faces red and/or partially eaten!

"can my tiny scarf or look of concern help in any way?"

“can my tiny scarf or look of concern help in any way?”

4 seconds after landing the scientist slips and falls and blows his brains out (seriously) on the way out of the plane, and after a very lackluster zombie attack scene, Brad talks to the soldiers at the base and some dude is like “hey Brad, go to Israel because they built a crazy wall and knew about the zombies” and Brads like “free trip to Israel!” then they to get back to the plane they QUIETLY RIDE BIKES (I’m serious) to not attract the zombies, this obviously goes horribly wrong and several people die, but not before Brad gets back on the plane. There was seriously at least 6 scenes that took place on aircrafts. There was less planes in Airplane and Airplane 2 combined.

Brad and his little scarf head off to Israel and finds they did indeed build a crazy wall to keep the zombies out. He talks to some dude who is like “yea, I heard zombies were coming and I built this wall. Straight up. I ain’t no dummy” while this is happening, survivors are being brought into the city and they are soooo psyched to be saved they start singing really loudly  into microphones that are giving off a lot of feedback. The zombies are not into that and the following scene takes place.

The zombies all pile on-top of each other in order to reach the top of the wall and then kinda just flop over it and start biting people. This was the stupidest thing I have ever seen and I have seen myself accidentally throw my sandwich in the garbage instead of the subway wrapper. It was like a big antpile of bad ideas realized in the form of CGI zombies. Brad is like PEACE OUT and him and a soldier,who I wish was the main character because she at least seemed interesting, try to escape but not before she gets bitten and Brad just lops her hand off to prevent the infection. He also doesn’t lose his little scarf in case you were wondering.

THE WORST.

THE WORST.

They manage to escape on a commercial airline with some other people and head to the World Health Organization to, I assume, ask them what the fuck is going on. Boy I bet it will be smooth sailing from here on out!!!! Things rarely go wrong on planes in this movie! But no, a zombie that I guess was just quietly waiting for someone to open a cargo door busts out and starts eating people. Brad and that soldier decide to chuck a grenade at it causing the entire thing to explode and them to crash in the woods. At this point I was checking my phone because this thing was DRAGGING.

Meanwhile his awful family gets chucked off the airbase because everyone thinks Brad is dead and I assume they were sick of those dumb kids. They get sent to a survivors camp in Nova Scotia and they’re bummed. I don’t know why! I would much rather be there than on some airbase with a bunch of soldiers. Motherfuckers, there are lobsters in Nova Scotia. LOBSTERS.

Look at this chill motherfucker!!

Look at this chill motherfucker!!

Brad and the soldier talk to the scientists at the W.H.O. and Brad thinks that zombies wont infect people who are dying of terminal illnesses so he volunteers to infect himself with one to see if the zombies will bite him. Sure whatever. At this point I could give two shits about anyone in this movie. But wouldn’t ya know it? The viruses are on the other side of the building! and it’s overrun by zombies!

6010675272_e1170b57fb_z

A very tedious sneakin’ around scene occurred and Brad injected himself with a disease, then stood around with a zombie for a bit. Nothing happened so I guess it worked! yayy! So the cure is to inject yourself with a disease, but then I guess get cured of the disease later? but then won’t the zombies want to eat you again?  or maybe they made a vaccine with a disease? I have no idea and at this point I was like GET ME OUT OF HERE I HAVE FUNNY PICTURES ON THE INTERNET TO LOOK AT.

I want this on every article of clothing I own.

I want this on every article of clothing I own.

Oh and Brad and his dumb family got reunited. The End.

Behind the Candelabra: Matt Damon needed money

Obviously this was going to happen. This movie has everything I love: Matt Damon, the potential to be unintentionally hilarious, I assume at least one lavish dance number, Leisure suits and actors phoning in their performances. The only thing that could make it better would be if Pacino was in it, that dude has been phoning it in for the past decade. You know it’s true Al!

It also had this scene, which is just...just amazing.

It also had this scene, which is just…just amazing.

 

Anyways, I had some friends in from out of town and like the good host I am, I decided to download this movie so we could watch it while we got baked. I also grilled them up some sausages, albeit very poorly.

 

FOOD IS READY!

FOOD IS READY!

 

This movie was almost two hours long, yet almost nothing happened in it. It was really quite something. I assume you all know a little about Liberace but if not here’s the run down. Dude played piano in an extremely flamboyant Vegas show, had several house boys, and yet no one knew he was gay. This was the 70’s though, so people were more preoccupied with Russia and Yo Yo’s.

 

The movie opens with Liberace playing the piano in a scene that seemed like it lasted 5 years. turns out it was only a few minutes but I was really high and I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that people would pay money to watch this dude play the piano. Also, how did NO ONE know he was gay?!? I MEAN COME ON

He does seem to have a pretty impressive wing span though.

He does seem to have a pretty impressive wing span though.

 

 

Matt Damon and his fabulous hair cape then makes an appearance, as he is working on a movie set with animals. He goes to a gay bar and meets some dude and they start hanging out ,and the dudes all “hey, let’s go see Liberace” or something along those lines. Anyways, they end up at one of his shows. I missed some of this because I was outside setting fire to some meats.

 

Liberace and Matt Damon meet backstage and Michael Douglas cranks the mincing up to 10. He was chewing scenery all over the place. Once he laid eyes on Matt Damon’s beautiful feathered hair this movie took a turn for the creepy. They all go to a pool party at Liberace’s house. (sidenote: Liberace pool party would make a great band name) and Matt Damon (Scott, or as Liberace says “Scaaaaaaattttt”) notices Liberace’s poodle has cataracts, and he offers to get him some medicine for it. Liberace totally sees this as an in! good for him, using his janky ass old dog to get the D. So Scott and Liberace start hanging out as a young gay man and an older pianist do, and one thing leads to another and BLAMMO!!!

 

The scene that followed freaked all of us out so badly, it made all of us yell and made Jenna turn to me and ask if this was supposed to be a thriller.

GUH!

GUH!

Scott wakes up after a night of sweet loving and turns to see Liberace propped up on one elbow smiling at him. It was terrifying. It was like that burger king commercial where the guy wakes up with the king, but instead of a delicious breakfast sandwich, all scott got was a creepy smile from Michael Douglas. Poor Catherine Zeta Jones. It was very rapey, unlike the Burger king commercial. I don’t think the Burger King would rape anyone, he has very kind eyes.

this is essentially my dream come true

this is essentially my dream come true

About this time we were all growing increasingly concerned for Matt Damons well being. Things were getting super weird, which I suppose is to be expected in a movie of this caliber. After hiring Scott to be his companion (AHHHH) He quickly comes up with the great and not at all horrendously terrifying idea of Matt to get surgery done on his face to make him look more like Liberace. Because why wouldn’t a guy. This brought in the greatest single character in the entire movie.

Absolutely no caption I could possibly add could make this better.

Absolutely no caption I could possibly add could make this better.

Rob Lowes face is giving me so much joy. He looks like a cross between a lizard/man hybrid and a David Bowie action figure someone left out in the sun. We all started questioning why so many people agreed to be in this movie, and it turns out Steven Soderbergh directed it. So they all either wanted to work with him, or he has blackmail photos on the entire cast he threatened to leak.

Anyways, Scott agrees to get the surgery because I guess radical, unnecessary facial surgery is just something you have to deal with if you want to live in an eccentric lounge singers gigantic mansion rent free. After the surgery, Matt ummm doesn’t look great.

Good Gravy.

Good Gravy.

 

Aside from rooting around in his face for no good reason, Dr.Lowe also gives him a bunch of speed because Liberace wants him to lose weight. He was essentially the 1970’s version of Dr. Spaceman from 30Rock.

tumblr_m95zsozchB1qzpo8yo1_500

 

Life in the glittery house of horrors continues on somewhat normally aside from Liberace’s long suffering houseboy occasionally telling Matt how much he sucks and how Liberace will get bored of him and replace him. (possibly with Ben Affleck???) It’s important to note that during one of these exchanges Matt was wearing a speedo, which I have taken upon myself to screen cap and show you here. You’re welcome.

 

This thing has got to have been custom made.

I can’t even deal with this photo. I’ve been laughing at it for days

The movie kinda plods along for a while with a lot of scenes of Michael Douglas smiling creepily and also Matt becomes a full blown coke head in a montage that shows him rubbing his nose a lot and selling jewelery that Liberace had given him. This whole thing might be painting Matt in a poor light, but it’s important to take into account that the real life scott was only 17 when all this started going down. Messed up right? but then again, Is it? think about all the 20 year old chicks that hang out with shriveled old dude wangs just for the cash. That’s hazard pay they’re getting and as I have said many times before: you can’t blame a bitch for trying to make a buck. So Scott is just a trailblazer that the Anna Nicoles and the Courtney Stoddens of the world should look up to. Good for you Scott!

 

AMERICAN HERO!!!

AMERICAN HERO!!!

Dan Aykroyd (yes, he’s also in this) is Liberaces manager and his role in this film seemed to be just to yell his lines into a telephone at Liberace about his finances and/or Scott. He also decided to deliver all his lines with the same speed and tone that he used in that SNL skit about the Bass-o-Matic. It was very baffling.

Michael then comes up with the idea that he’s going to adopt Scott as his son so he can be willed everything when he dies. Uhh, ok I guess. Apparently in the 70’s you could just go ahead and adopt full grown men. Well here in Canada you can’t and I should know because I looked into adopting my 28 year old friend into my family because his Canadian citizenship is taking foreverrrrr to get approved. I don’t know what your deal is Canada, the dude is handsome and looks great in sweaters!!

 

The man in question.

The man in question.

Anyways, before this can actually happen. A man who I think was Ben Stiller in a wig and sunglasses introduced Liberace to a new young man. UH OH! Scott, you in danger gurl.

Later during a family meeting in the hot tub, Liberace proposes that they explore the possibilities of an open relationship, mainly so Liberace can explore the possibilities of other mens butts. Scott rolls with it because he doesn’t want to be a square. Things are rapidly going wrong in this otherwise picture perfect, totally healthy and normal relationship.

 

Ewwww boy.

Ewwww boy.

Before you can say “Help me I’m being held captive by Liberace” Scott gets bitch boom bye’d by Aykroyd and his goons but not before he manages to throw a total fit and smash the shit out of a bunch of Liberaces stuff. Good for him. That’s the way to exit a relationship, just go down in flames and destroy as many things and people as you can while you do it.

 

So the movie fastforwards a few years but not before showing us Scott and Liberace discussing the break up with lawyers. Turns out Liberace didn’t make Scott his son and actually owes him nothing! haha take that emotionally damaged young man searching for a place to belong and a family to love him! you dumb idiot!! Boy I bet your face is red from embarrassment and also from crying.

 

It’s the 80’s now and Liberace is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. People are more excited about Cabbage Patch Dolls and Reaganomics. Liberace gives Scott a call and he’s all “Hey Scott, are you feeling ok? I’ve been feeling sick” Turns out he was sick with AIDS, which is a real bummer. So Liberace dies and Scott goes to his funeral and envisions him going up to heaven in an amazing spectacle. Then the movie ends. It ended how it began: Flamingly.

It was quite a journey. We learned some things, namely that people in the 70’s were very gullible and seemed to not notice when a major entertainer was clearly hiding his homosexual tendencies. Good thing we aren’t so naive nowadays! haha!

john-travolta-mustache-05

 

Big news ya nerds!

Hey hey! so I suppose I should explain myself for the lack of updates. The reason being that I am going to be joining the ranks of literary greats like Snooki and Heidi and Spencer Pratt. I’m writing a book. Not like a book book, but an ebook, so that’s 90% less pretentious as saying “I’m working on a novel”

I will still be updating the site but probably not as frequently while I work on the book. I also hope you all buy it or illegally download it once it’s complete. Its the least you could do.

The subject matter will just be a series of essays, so it will be like reading my blog but in book format (WOW????) How exciting! I’m aiming for a book in the vein of David Sedaris, only 100% less wry and witty and 100% more stories about the time my brother chopped himself in the hand with a machete when we were children (that is an actual essay included in the book)

I’m pretty excited about this, and I hope you guys are too! Don’t worry though, I will still be getting drunk and writing poorly put together rants about movies on here. I could never abandon my first love: drinking and spelling errors.

Dating Tips from someone who farts themselves awake once a week

Every day that I wake up and look over to see a sleeping, snoring angel of a man next to me I always wonder how I got so lucky, but I really should be asking myself how did he get so lucky to have me. I’ll tell you how he got lucky to have me, I am a flipping catch. I decided to share with you lucky ducks my secrets to wrangling in a man, or woman, or whatever the genital situation is of the one you desire. Possibly an Old Gregg downstairs mix up? I’m not here to judge.

1.Try to be as disgusting as possible all in one shot to get it out of the way

This photo of me eating a burrito stuffed into a cheeseburger doesn't even crack the Top 10 grossest things I've done. TAKE NOTE

This photo of me eating a burrito stuffed into a cheeseburger doesn’t even crack the Top 10 grossest things I’ve done. TAKE NOTE

You know that saying “if you love something, let it go, and if it comes back it was meant to be?” well this saying is more “if you love someone, fart in their presence before date 5  and if they laugh, it was meant to be” Seriously. I know girls that have NEVER farted in front of their boyfriends. That seems very stressful on both psyche and colon.  I really dislike the whole “eww girls farts are gross” It is extremely true, but they are also very hilarious.

This theory extends way beyond the realm of just farting. This also includes the always poopular (typo, and I am leaving it!!) “seductive sloppy drunk” When Matt and I first started dating I once got so corked that I stepped in mud on the way back to his house and decided to hose my shoes off in the shower, while I was still wearing them. As I struggled to keep myself upright by leaning against the shower I looked over at him and said “hey..hey…wanna do it?” He most certainly did not want to do it and closed the bathroom door on me Godfather style. He didn’t dump me however, and I feel I really got a relationship milestone out-of-the-way. That’s another problem with society (mannnn) they are demanding we celebrate all the wrong milestones in relationships.

You should celebrate the first time you drunk vom while crying in front of your significant other, the first time you have a gross cold and lay on the couch watching Ren and Stimpy on Netflix for 5 days, and the first time you both bond over laughing at a stranger getting injured. These are all very important dates and should be celebrated as such!

2. Get your own life

Haha! jokes are hard to write sometimes.

Haha! jokes are hard to write sometimes.

I understand there is a window of time when you’re first dating someone and want to spend every waking moment with them because “aww I love the way they cut the crusts off their sandwich” hasn’t turned to “why can’t you eat a sandwich like a normal human being??” yet.  I get that. There was once a time when I was like that. Then 2 years passed. Then 7. And here we are. I firmly believe the secret to our success is completely ignoring each other for huge chunks of time.

I highly recommend this. I mean, still hang out with your main bitch, but make time for your other bitches. And by that I mean your friends (or enemies if you’re doing that keep your enemies close thing) It’s a good way to be your own person and not just become someones boyfriend or girlfriend. Plus if things go south you will still have tons of drinking buddies left. So unless you and your partner are pulling a Pierre and Marie Curie and trying to discover various elements, go hang out with someone else. It’s much healthier for your relationship and you probably won’t get radiation poisoning that way. (ITS A WIN WIN!)

3.  Pick your battles

The tragic battled of "What do you mean you're not coming to my work Christmas party?!"

The tragic battle of “What do you mean you’re not coming to my cousins wedding?!”

Seriously. My mom gave me this advice and she’s been married for almost 30 years, so it must carry some weight. Don’t lose your shit over every little thing. Pick one thing and flip out over that and forget the rest. There are several annoying things that Matt does, namely leave the toenail clippers in the shower so they get all rusty. I let that slide. But if he comes home at 430 in the morning covered in a strangers blood, I will probably voice my concern. The point is, if you lose it over every little annoyance then you will start feeling like a real asshole and your significant other will also think you’re a dickhead. Chances are if they’re doing something that annoys you, you’re doing something that annoys them.

4. Embrace each others flaws

Except you Beyonce, you are flawless.

Except you Beyonce, you are flawless.

Matt has to listen to me discuss the following things on an almost weekly basis:

-X Files

-Stupid people I had to deal with that day

-Whatever actor I am currently having a passionate love affair with (including, but not limited to, Viggofest 2012, Rennerthon 2013, and most recently Reeduspalooza)

-Whatever videogame I’m currently playing

-His personal favorite: “Rigby trying to describe a Gif she saw on Tumblr”

He does not care about any of these things. He listens though, and one time when he was really drunk he got super mad when I told him that Jeremy Renner was on a list of the years ugliest men  (“He’s not a fucking monster! he looks good and he has a great haircut!!”) I appreciate that he only slightly rolls his eyes when I start crying laughing at a picture of a cat looking excited at a piece of ravioli. In appreciation of this act, I watch hours upon hours of mountain biking videos despite having a very loose grasp on the sport itself. I also go to mountain bike movie premieres but usually only for the drinks.

The cat in question

The cat in question

5. Find a straight man to your wildcard, or vice versa.

WILD CARD BITCHES

WILD CARD BITCHES

I honestly think this is the key to a successful relationship. Are you a jackass who constantly does jackassery things and insists on building a pillow fort despite being an adult? congrats, you are the wildcard. Do you make sure your significant other doesn’t  leave the keys in the door and insist on paying the bills on time? congrats, you are the straightman. The perfect relationship is when a straight man and a wildcard find each other.

You know what you get with two Wildcards? Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty. You’re both insane, constantly fight, break up and get back together on a monthly basis, and everyone hates being around you.

You know what you get with two straight men? Gap models/White people in general. You’re both boring as hell, never do anything fun, and everyone hates being around you.

The key is a healthy mix between the two. Think about it. All great relationships have this. Scully and Mulder, C3P0 and R2-D2, Thor and Natalie Portman, My mom and dad (my dad disapprovingly shook his head while my mom and I smoked a J on the patio at her 60th birthday party)

So I hope these tips are helpful to you! and the most important tip of all is this: if they can’t take a joke, fuck ’em.


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