signs of the impending apocalypse

Well it had to happen sometime didn’t it? and if you listen to the cigarette smoking man  and upcoming movies starring John Cusack apparently that time is 2012. We will see the world end in a flurry of CGI waves and nonsensical fires.

Goddammit that was my favorite monastery!

So I’ve been thinking a lot about this and came to the horrifying realization that the cogs are already in motion and several signs have come clear to me. Those with weak stomachs may not want to proceed. May god have mercy on our souls.

1. A third big mommas house is announced

what hath hell wrought

I could barely drag myself out of bed after I heard about this because I felt emotionally dead inside with nothing left to hope for. Well I guess I do have something to hope for: Martin Lawrence in a fat black lady suit making fart jokes. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US GOD??

I don’t honestly know why a third movie is at all needed. I mean the first one only made…117 million dollars. Wait. what? what the fuck? Goddamn it middle America, stop going to see men in fat lady suit movies! enough is enough. That being said, I goddamn love Mrs. Doubtfire.

ahahahha HOW DIDNT THIS WIN AN OSCAR???

So If you don’t know, the plot of this movie is Martin Lawrence is cop or something and has to go undercover to protect this woman..I think? why the fuck cant he just protect her without the fat lady suit? or is it some sort of government issued suit? either way I have no idea how they can stretch this into a second movie let alone a third.

WHAT IS THIS..I DONT EVEN...

I went to Imdb to see if there was some sort of plot outline but nothing is up yet. you know what is up though? the release date. 2012. DUN DUN DUN So I don’t really know if I should root for the end of days or not at this point. I’m so conflicted.

2. Lauren Conrad is a best selling author

the title of this file was "lauren-conrad-buys-new-house.jpg" fuck my life.

This one especially grinds my goddamn gears because I consider myself somewhat of a kind of legitimate(ish) author. Sure I might not have any money from it or any sort of mainstream popularity…or be as pretty as she is..or… : (

If you aren’t familiar with her she is a “star” of a “reality show” that follows her and her friends around as they text each other, go to nightclubs and lethargically complain about how hard their lives are. But somehow she is a friggin best selling author. In no way is she an author, in fact I seriously doubt she wrote this herself instead of getting a ghost writer to do it for her. and not the fun ghost writer from that PBS show that helped Puerto Rican kids solve mysteries either.

god i hated Gabby. she was such a bitch.

Anyways lets take a look at the plot synopsis for this steaming pile shall we?

well right off the bat its called “L.A Candy” ugh.

Move over Palahniuk! there's a new kid in town!

“Los Angeles is all about the sweet life: hot clubs, cute guys, designer . . . everything. Nineteen-year-old Jane Roberts can’t wait to start living it up. She may be in L.A. for an internship, but Jane plans to play as hard as she works, and has enlisted her BFF Scarlett to join in the fun.

When Jane and Scarlett are approached by a producer who wants them to be on his new series, a “reality version of Sex and the City,” they can hardly believe their luck. Their own show? Yes, please!

Soon Jane is TV’s hottest star. Fame brings more than she ever imagined possible for a girl from Santa Barbara—free designer clothes, the choicest tables at the most exclusive clubs, invites to Hollywood premieres—and she’s lapping up the VIP treatment with her eclectic entourage of new pals. But those same friends who are always up for a wild night are also out for a piece of Jane’s spotlight.

In a city filled with people chasing after their dreams, it’s not long before Jane wakes up to the reality that everyone wants something from her, and nothing is what it seems to be.”

Jane Roberts. Really? really? thats like naming your male character John..Roberts..ok bad example. This book looks just awful and I don’t see how it could possibly get worse..oh wait. shes already writing a sequel. Why couldn’t she have pulled a Salinger and completely disappeared after writing her “masterpiece”

3. Vampires are goddamn everywhere

Jesus christ.. I think i'll take my chances with LA Candy

To be fair, I do love myself some True Blood. I don’t know if its the combination of crappy southern accents, tits, or handsome men named Sam but for some reason I friggin love this show. That being said I am fucking so sick of Vampires. There’s this new show called the Vampire Diaries (ugh) and I actually watched 15 minutes of it because I hate myself.

This was the worst tripe I have ever seen and i watch some pretty cheesy shit. They should cancel this show immediately and replace it with either a new Rock of Love with Bret Michaels or an hour of videos featuring cats trying to jump onto things they cant quite reach. hahaha oh kittens, when will you learn.

its...its just too precious

But these assholes are seriously everywhere, there is an entire section in a bookstore here dedicated to “Vampire literature” since when is that a genre of books? Anne Rice must be pissed because she is the writing equivalent of that one person you know who claims “they liked that band before they were famous” She was writing about undead homos years before every 15 year old wanted to get banged by a brooding, murderous ghoul.

"PUT A BABY IN ME" screamed the masses.

But books and movies and TV shows are one thing. There’s also a line of make up inspired by Vampires, countless hilarious porn rip offs, and True Blood even has its own soda you can buy that is only 16 fucking bucks for a 4 pack. But what i am about to show you is the worst thing I’ve ever seen:

"The Vamp" feel free to put in your own joke here..i have to go pray.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is a vampire themed dildo. As you can see it sparkles so it’s aimed at the Twilight crowd since those vampires sparkle in the sun. So are you supposed to only use this in the sun? I’m confused. anyways, lets check out what the product page has to say:

“Who doesn’t love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That’s what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won’t be the only thing coming for you in the night.”

WONT BE THE ONLY THING COMING FOR YOU IN THE NIGHT. I cant stop laughing at this, im seriously cramping up over here. hahahaha. But wait, here’s the best part:

The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

Really?? Now, the fact that it says authentic experience means to me that they hired someone to work on this project who has, indeed, fucked a vampire at one point in their life and they’re on board to make sure the whole thing remains “authentic” good lord.

4. These two assholes are still alive

gross. dot let North Korea see this or it will be all over for the US

I had to really think about whether or not I should include these two braying morons because, much like that giant donut mascot that came alive in the simpsons halloween special, their power derives from people paying attention to them.

"I told you, Flanders has your giant donut. Or Moe, yeah go kill Moe"

when I was writing this article my boyfriend came in and asked who they were. He has no idea who the fuck Heidi and Spencer are and I am so, so envious of him for this. He lives a simple life where he is not bombarded daily with the images of two complete idiots and their constant jackassery. If you aren’t familiar with them either they are stars on the MTV show The Hills and somehow they have weaseled their way into mainstream media by constantly being famewhores and staging photoshoots for the most retarded of reasons:

"we love jesus..or bunnies! or..whats this holiday about again? Bunny Jesus?"

Exhibit B:

"now we love karate and black men!"

These turds are so dumb, they are clearly staunch republicans and love jesus more than god himself. But wait, as soon as Obama was  going to be the clear winner they changed their minds and were photographed wearing Obama shirts. if it is one thing i hate it is a bandwagon jumper. I seriously want them to die. They are so annoying that The TV channel E! has straight up banned any news relating to them. A total publication ban. The last time I encountered a publication ban was during the trial of Robert Pickton who was under arrest for the brutal murders of over 20 women. Now im not comparing these two idiots to someone who murdered women and then fed their remains to pigs but…well i guess i am.

So there you have it folks. Chilling isn’t it? I suggest you spend your remaining days on earth with your loved ones, spending as much time cherishing each other as possible. Or, like me, you can routinely get drunk and go to the movie theater. The ball is in your court.