my experience with the 7 deadly sins, or: how rigby is going to hell

1. Lust

LETS MAKE A BABY

wow, so i actually haven’t slept with that many guys or visited too many glory holes, but never say never i suppose. i have, however, coveted the shit out of strangers crotches on a day to day basis. as an example, here is a short list of men i have said to myself or others that  i would “totally hump” in the past 24 hours

"so how do you use this? oh hello there! wha..AHH"

• that one black guy from mad tv that isnt super black
• joel mchale from the soup
• a really good looking guy in a peacoat i saw going into subway
• my boyfriend (legit)
• Jon dore
• that guy from the new mini cooper convertible commercial that slaps his friend in the head
• the guy from the cartoon version of hunchback of notre dame
• marlon brando circa 1965
• fox mulder (legit)

get off him you whore!

so as you can see, i will literally hump anyone, including cartoon men and black men. im very open minded. so basically, im going to hell. if you have a beard and know how to read, you are pretty much golden as far as my loins are concerned. don’t get me wrong, im not a whore. i guess more of a pretend whore who hasn’t reached her full potential in the real world of uhh whoring.

2. gluttony

so much like us

well i just ate a huge bowl of chili in my underwear, so that’s really gluttony and sloth rolled into one. but could that sort of multi tasking knock me out of the running for sloth? ill have to ask jesus.

anywho, i do enjoy a good bout of gluttony. which is weird because i cant really eat that much in one sitting. i once won a pair of hulk hands in a friend imposed eating contest and all i had to eat was 2 hotdogs and 2 hamburgers back to back. it was made more difficult by said friend making retching noises in the background. but i prevailed and those hands were mine.

you are my fire, my one desire

that task of eating 4 barbecued treats might seem small, but it was damn near impossible for me. i love eating, im just not very good at it. its like im too lazy to be a proper glutton. wow. that’s a shameful sentence. the holidays are a real disaster for my stomach because my boyfriends parents are divorced and i sometimes have to go to 2 dinners in one day. i had to eat 3 thanksgiving dinners in one day once counting my own families and it was a real scene.

"i'm going to mess up your world"

my pores smelled like turkey for the next 48 hours and everything i looked at had a cranberry like haze to it.

3. greed

pictured: one greedy motha'

who among you hasn’t said “goddamn i wish i had a nintendo DS” or “fuck i could coldcock that bitch and steal her purse and no one would ever know” well maybe not the last one, but how rad do nintendo DS’s look? super rad.

i want you inside of me

when i was little i used to be way greedier, and there is a simple reason why. ninja turtle playsets. fuck. i was so jealous of these things and i wanted them so badly. my ninja turtles were cursed to play in a cardboard box while other turtles got to frolic in the technodrome. why couldn’t i have a technodrome? so whenever i got to play with someone who had one of these, i would always bogart it and basically force my friends to watch me play with their toy until i got bored and went home. wow i was a little dick.

oh my god it has an eyeball on it! GIVE IT TO ME!

my need for a terrordrome has since weakened a bit, but im still greedy in the sense that  if you have chocolate coins you better believe you are giving me some. as a more recent example i constantly eat the cookie my 3 year old nephew gets with his kid meals at restaurants. im a monster. i also once at his fortune cookie. so basically, dont let me near your kids or their whitespot pirate paks.

4. sloth

"oh god..is that guy standing behind me again?"

i slept for 15 hours a few days ago. in my defense, i have a terrible chest infection, but if i didn’t, i would have probably slept for 10 hours. i love my bed for both sleeping and having sexy time. but mainly sleeping. i have also watched a 5 hour marathon of rock of love bus in one sitting. Jesus.

i hope the girl in the bandana wins.

i once went to someones house to watch a movie and they only had chairs in their living room, no couch. and when i asked where they lay to watch movies he said they don’t. they only sit and watch tv. well fuck that guy. i don’t want to live in a world where i cant watch star trek the next generation horizontally. if i cant find the tv remote, ill just lay infront of the tv and change the channels with my toes.

i would still lose this. im a mess.

i have a real problem here people. a problem with being super lazy and also having channel change buttons that smell like toes. only one of these problems can be solved with lysol, but im too lazy to get it out of the cupboard. its a cruel world.

5. wrath

"WHO USED THE LAST OF THE MILK!!!!"

i want to reign blows upon at least 4 people on a daily basis, but my fear of being shanked or headbutted prevents me from acting on these impulses.

infact if you have ever read anything else on this blog, you know i am a ragefilled, spiteful person. but with heart. just looking at certain people sends me into a curse filled rant, which i should probably work on since i dont want to spit in nicolas cages face if i ever meet him.

ahhh i just want to smash your teeth in.

if you have ever driven with me, you know i have crazy as hell road rage based on basically nothing at all. if you dont use a turn signal, so help me god i will curse your name for upwards of 20 minutes. i havent ever gotten in a girl fight or anything, but whenever i witness one i get really excited like christmas morning. once i saw one and as it was happening the dj started playing eye of the tiger. i almost wept tears of joy and i think that feeling of true happiness will only be topped by the birth of my first child.

more beautiful then a sunrise

i do hate alot of things and people though and along with being drunk and sleeping, making snarky comments is right up there on my list of hobbies.

6. envy

she got to shoot a laser gun AND make out with han solo. jealous.

good lord i am envious of alot of people. mainly girls who have flat tummies. you assholes, how do you do it? dont say eating right and working out because i tried that…for like a month. and it didnt work. now im not a fat mess or anything, but i mean, come on. and it also seems like whenever you get a flat stomach someone comes to your house and delivers you a belly button ring with dangly crystals and butterflies on it, maybe its some sort of secret flat tummy code that makes you wear it.

"upon completion of your flat tummy, your government issue fake vuitton bag will arrive in the mail shortly"

anyways, back to me being an envious jerk. i guess when it really comes down to it, i have a pretty kick ass life and i shouldn’t really be envious of anyone, i have some pretty rad friends and i don’t have any crippling financial debt or a fake leg or something, so I’m really on easy street. i do still want that flat tummy though. dammit. oh and i wish i knew how to accurately use throwing stars, that would be so amazing.

7. pride

get it? a group of lions is called a pride haha. you're welcome.

oh fuck, did i just mess this one up by what i said for the last one? damn it jesus, you are one tricky dick.

alright, yes i admit it. i have looked at someone and thought “wow, at least im not that asshole” but who hasn’t? really, who doesn’t think they re better then fat babies on maury or really anyone who has ever walked on the set of maury. this seems like a really shitty sin, because its like “wow, you have a good image of yourself? you’re going to hell. ZING!”

well arent you having a good time, you filthy sinner.

im sure its not that cut and dry, i think this more focuses on people that thing they’re way better looking and more amazing then most people (im looking at you entire karashadadiananan family) now to clarify, i dont think im better then anyone i know personally,  i just think im better then 87% of people that shop at wal mart. where is the crime in that? oh and 99% of people who shop at zellers. but im my defense, even people that shop at wal mart think theyre better then people that shop at zellers.

Zellers: completely devoid of dignity since '84