best and worst street fighter characters

i had to take a nap halfway through reading the fucking name of this thing

street fighter is amazing, that goes without saying. but some of the characters are real assholes and some of them aren’t. im not going to include every single character because theres like 50 of them if you count all the insane japanese sequels. so these are just my personal favorite and least favorite. and if you don’t agree then i will kill your dog.

Best-

1. Blanka

"YOU'RE TEARING ME APART!!!"

are you kidding me, this guy is so rad. first of all, he’s brazilian. i dont know why that makes him a better crazy as hell monster, but it just does. also, he can bite you in the goddamn head which is always a plus.there is really nothing better then that, if someone bites you in the head you cannot come back from that with any confidence.

what an electrifying personality! ...i apologize greatly.

im not really sure of his backstory, but the only downside i can see to blanka is that it would suck to be him. chun li can take off her spiked wrist cuffs at night, but blanka will always be a hulking green fighting machine. i suspect that he and the thing from fantastic 4 would get along really well. also probably the hulk? they should pitch a sitcom to fox, they will literally put anything on the air.

oh and he can use electric power for some reason. + 2 cool points.

2. Ryu

hey u! ok im really sorry for that joke as well.

if ryu was a  real dude, i would totally give him the gears. i feel like he would be a pretty fun date but i guess on the other hand if you fucked up and forgot to pick up his dry cleaning he could smoke you in the face with a ball of fire. i really don’t need that on my plate.

"please..no more hadukens in the face"

he also has a sleeveless gi, which is badass. i like to think that he was offered a sleeved gi, but was like “oh fuck this noise, sleeves off motherlicker!” and then ripped them off and flexed his muscles while horrified bystanders looked on.

3.Chun-Li

who honestly didnt have a boner for her? honestly.

obviously.  shes hot and she kicks ass with her amazing spinning kick that i could never fucking learn how to do goddamnit. once i saw a stripper dressed like chun-li and she even stripped to her fighting background music and i thought i was going to lose my mind entirely. we still talk about it. it was so amazing i wish literally everyone i knew could have seen so i could talk about it every day. if i could track this woman down i would make her strip at my wedding….if, godwilling, someone asks me….and also allowed a dirty stripper to perform at an even where a priest will be present.

i always cry at weddings.

the only thing i dont like about chun li is that when she wins she does this really embarrassing thing where she giggles and jumps up and down while flashing the peace sign. i don’t know if this is to emasculate her opponent further or if shes just maintaining the stereotype about easily excitable Japanese girls.

4. Zangief

"I AM ALL THAT IS MAN"

let me ask you this- would you ever fuck with a guy named Zangief? i rest my case. this guy is a total BA and i have a feeling he drinks alot of vodka, or “wodka” as im sure he calls it with his kickass russian accent. he wears really suggestive shorts and its like “yea, yea im wearing these tiny ass shorts, so what? i dare you to say something! i am from soviet russia!!” and then he would pump his fists in the air and scream nonsense. wow, i just got goosebumps.

"in soviet russia, race stereotypes you!"

i also really admire his bold chest hair pattern. do you think that’s natural or do you think he grooms it? i bet he grooms it but in secret. as well as that going for him, he is totally covered in rad scars that im sure make all the russian ladies flock to him.

5.vega

well aren't you a saucy minx

simply put, this guy is amazing. he had sweet wolverine-esque claws and he could use them to climb up the fence in the background of his stage. i could only rarely get this to work since i was such a fuckup at this game. but! when it did work, i felt like a huge big shot.

i didnt really like him after his mask got smashed off because then its just like “meh, i guess hes cool still. maybe”  he retained about as much coolness as batman would after you ripped off that cowl he wears.

but despite that he lost cool points for losing his mask, he gained cool points for those sweet pantaloons he wore.

i typed in "pantaloons" to google image and this came up. ACCEPT IT.

oh and he would yodel sometimes when he was winning and i always got pretty excited when that happened. honestly i chose vega about as much as i chose blanka and i remember when they had to fight each other i was really upset because i loved them both so much. it was like sophies choice for me.

Worst-

1. dhalsim

you goddamn hippie

well his name is almost impossible to spell correctly on the first try, so thats strike one. also since he can stretch out his arms and legs to attack opponents, the asshole who masters his moves always just does these over and over again like a goddamn prick. i just really, really hate this character, and its not because he’s indian, i loved watching  the commercials for slumdog millionaire before i changed the channel, so you know im not a racist.

so is regis in this? no? fuckit.

i think it might be the yoga noogie move that really sends me over the edge. what a dickhead. that’s not even a fighting move, i don’t understand how receiving a noogie would drain your energy. i have received many noogies at the hand of my older brother, and all i got was frizzy hair and a constant, nagging, urge to destroy him.

2. M.Bison

only homos wear capes, im just sayin'

this guys an asshole. i hate his stupid hat and his smarmy cape. fuck you M.Bison. also, while i was doing “research” for this “article” i found out that the M stands for Mike. wow. that’s shitty. Mike Bison isn’t really all that scary sounding. i can understand why he switched to the mysterious M. seriously, gross, Mike Bison. this is like if you found out Cobra Commanders name was Larry Figenshaw or something equally as terrible. my whole world is rocked to the very core at this discovery. and i apologize to anyone named larry figenshaw who might be reading this.

"his name is like my name! lets go punch zebras in the face!"

oh and i could never jump out of the way of his weird drilling attack, i could always see it coming from across the screen but i never got out of the way in time. fuck you Mike.

3. Guile

the real reason for the "dont ask, dont tell" policy

goddamn it this guy bothers me. i think i dislike the idea of soldiers because of this character, he really drilled into my subconscious that all soldiers do is comb their hair while wearing green tank tops. i haven’t really seen any evidence to prove otherwise since WW2 ended, so  prove me wrong.

"good training today! start the shower, i'll be there in a sec"

anyways, i think one of his moves is him actually throwing his comb. that’s super gay. like, really gay. i would expect that kind of behavior from any number of characters from the hills or a contestant on rock of love, but not from a fighting video game character. hes a disgrace to the fictional army that he is a part of.

4. Ken

"why do people keep asking if we're related?"

Ken is the mistake of the street fighter family. its like they knew they had to make another character so they just made some slight changes to an existing character.

“uhh ok, shit. we need another character? ok ok, i have an idea, ok, lets just change the colour of ryus hair and gi and never speak of it again. yea, thats good.”

"just name him ken or some shit, im busy here"

no one is falling for it you assholes! i think they tried to make up some bullshit story about how they were brothers or something, but there’s tons of other characters they could have come up with. how about a robot? see there ya go!  was that so hard?

5. Balrog

"why do people keep telling me i look like that guy with a tattoo on his face?"

well Balrog is on this section of the list simply because he doesn’t really bring anything to the table. have you ever heard anyone say that Balrog is their favorite character? no. no you have not. and if you said “yes i have!” then you are a filthy liar and should probably stop talking to your computer.

can you just pretend that says balrog instead of loser? k thanks.

anyways, his name is really terrible and sounds like a sound a bullfrog would make. plus i always get the feeling they just ripped off mike tyson and called it a day.

“ok well, what about a black boxer? yea thats good enough, now lets start work on deciding what colour hair ken should have”

"and then get back to this delicious cocaine!"