Ihop: where dreams go to die

 

you greasy son of a bitch

 

 

Dante had it all wrong. There are not nine levels of hell my friends, there are ten. Ihop is that tenth level. It is a place where you will suffer for all eternity in a ripped vinyl booth being served half-cooked eggs by a waitress named Trudy. The horror.

Now for those of you not familiar with the wasteland that is Ihop, it is a pancake restaurant. More specifically; it is the International house of pancakes. Sounds classy hey? WRONG. It is probably the most disgusting place I can ever imagine, and I once imagined…well it’s not important. The point is: this place is awful. This is a restaurant that once served this:

oh my good god

This was a promotional pancake that came out to promote the movie Horton hears a who. It is called a who cake. As in “who the fuck would serve this to their child”  or “who the fuck other than a drunk person on a dare would ever eat this” I mean are you serious with this? If you legitimately take your kid to Ihop and let them eat a huge stack of chocolate chip pancakes you are just the worst. Anyways, back to my terrible tale

After a night of drinking and posing for pictures that made it look like bear statues were sucking our dicks, my friends and I were pretty goddamn hungover and decided to hit up the ol’ Ihop for some greasy hangover cure. This is probably where we went wrong. And by probably, I mean most definitely.

 

I googled "bear statue" and this came up. This joke writes itself!

 

 

Right off the bat as soon as we entered the “restaurant” we were forced to stare at the back of a woman’s leather jacket emblazoned with a sexy Betty Boop staring blankly out at us. Not a good start.

 

so...is she a hooker or...?

 

 

After being seated and presented with the menu I noticed they had a dessert section. Wtf? 50% of all things on the menu already ended in the word cake so why the hell do they have a dessert section? more importantly can you imagine the kind of person that would order a stack of pancakes with a fucking fruit crepe for dessert? I can. And they sat right next to us.

I cannot put into words how goddamn gross this family was. They were seriously like animals. I wanted to kidnap the children and let them free in the parking lot because I’m confident that the crows eating garbage in the handicapped space would do a better job of raising them then these miscreant parents.  We got to Ihop at probably 11 and these people plunked down next to us and the father ordered a beer almost instantly. I didn’t even know all day breakfast places served beer, let alone at 11 in the fucking morning.

 

pictured: breakfast (????)

 

 

So their food comes and I am not lying about what I am about to explain: The mom scooped up scrambled eggs with her bare hands and ate it. My cat has better table manners then this wench and he eats beetles on a regular basis. I seriously could not believe what I was seeing. Who does this? My god I hate Ihop. It is honestly the grossest place I have ever been and the food is so terrible and I think they know that so they think if they give you a huge amount of it you will forget about how shitty the food is because you’re too busy trying not to vomit into your hands at the table. Let’s take a look at some of their “delicious” menu items:

 

 

"syrup whipped cream pile"

 

 

This is horrid. I can barely see any sort of bread at all under all this frigging sugar. When we were there, my friend ordered chocolate chip pancakes and they had powdered sugar all over them. I think his face and Hamlets face after he accidentally stabbed Polonius through that drape were exactly the same. That look that says “what have I done???” Am I comparing ordering pancakes at Ihop to accidentally murdering someone? Yes. Yes I am.

One of the most delightful items they have to offer is this little gem:

 

before you ask, no I have no idea what the hell that yellow thing is.

 

 

That is a country fried chicken steak. Gross. I don’t know about you guys but I personally do not enjoy eating food with a mysterious white substance all over it.

 

So am I being too hard on Ihop? No. If anything I’m not being hard enough. (haha) The only people who should ever eat at this place or Dennys for that matter are drunks and old people. Or drunk old people. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to go to a real restaurant with delicious food that isn’t at all repulsive to all five senses: Arbys.