Dear Lindsay Lohan: It’s time for you to go back to your tomb

Was the afterlife not good enough for you? We made you a beautiful sarcophagus and lined it with the finest silks, we buried you with your belongings and your precious jewels. We made you a fine tomb Lindsay, why did you decide to raise from the dead and curse us all with your constant withering sideboob and your frequent redbull and vodka fueled rages? The gods must be angry with us.

The Mummy 4: Macys shopping spree

Seriously though Lindsay  looks about 100 years old. What the fuck is that about? She’s only 23 and she looks worse than Phylis Diller. That is a situation that needs to be taken care of. And by “taken care of” I mean she should probably kill herself.

This chick is actually the same age as me and I personally think I am better than her even though I am nowhere near as rich as her and the highlight of my day yesterday was eating an entire tube of sour cream and onion Pringles. No matter how shitty things in my life get I can at least say to myself:  “at least my face doesn’t  look like a catchers mitt from 1925”

"I remember when Babe Ruth used to play...oh those were the days, you could see a game for a nickel"

Seriously. Lindsay was goddamn gorgeous in Mean Girls.

Now lets fastforward to 3 weeks ago

she looks like a coked out slutty Gollum. Keep in mind these are professional photos and judging by the look on her face I’m  guessing the makeup was kicked onto her by a cranky donkey. My word. This chick has fallen from grace faster than Icarus.

"ahhhhhh even though I'm plunging to my death at least I didn't star in Herbie Fully Loaded ahhhhh"

I don’t know how she spiraled into madness so quickly but I just want her to die already or go into Porn. Those are really the only two options left. She is clearly no longer a movie star seeing as how her only movie in the past 2 years went directly to TV. I sort of feel like an asshole even writing about her because she is so goddamn irrelevant in every sense of the word.  So how is Lindsay making money these days? Well guess what guys, she is a fashion designer! more specifically, a leggings designer.

How much would you pay for these leggings? 20 bucks? yea me too. But check it out, they are GODDAMN 88 DOLLARS. Anyone who pays more than 30 bucks for leggings is a fucking moron or an American Apparel shopper. Or both.

the only one I don't want to hit is that kid with the fake mustache. Keep on rockin' in the free world mustache kid

Those are actually the least expensive leggings she offers in her fabulous line. The most expensive are 120 bucks. I don’t even want to bother downloading a picture of them because they are just fucking leggings that have snakeskin on them. Is this real life? Who has that sort of money to throw away on something like that. Coked out lunatics apparently.

But Internet rumor (the best kind of rumor) has it that Lindsay now has a sextape somewhere out there to add to her amazing resume. Im a little shocked for two reasons:

1. That she already hasn’t taken the plunge into porn

2. That people would still want to see her have sex

If this was Lindsay Lohan circa 1999 sign me up because I am all aboard, but if this sex tape is Lindsay circa 6 weeks ago I have a feeling this is going to be delegated to the same corner of the Internet that contains 2girls1cup and that creepy pterodactyl porn (Mom do not look up either of those things)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So yes, I am putting a Lindsay Lohan sex tape in the same category as some bizarre 1980’s porn about I’m guessing time traveling dinosaurs who like to rape? Either way Lindsay, if you’re reading this, this is not a category you want to be in as a 23 year old woman. A friend of mine actually calls grilled cheese with ham a “Lohan” and I’m going to let you use your imagination to figure out why (hint: her vagina is gross)

But at least she’s staying busy these days what with her constant breakdowns, missing court, being caught on film doing blow, and of course being the gatekeeper to the doors of hell.

There is no Lindsay, there is only Zuul.

But seriously Lindsay, it’s been a fun ride and I really think it’s time for you to either stop being insane and going back to being a semi good actress, or it’s time for you to die so people will remember you as you were back in the day, and totally forget about any sort of freaky crazy as hell situations you have most recently gotten yourself into.

"worked for me!"

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3 Responses to “Dear Lindsay Lohan: It’s time for you to go back to your tomb”


  1. 1 Sailer January 26, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    I would just like to mention that Lindsay Lohan in 1999 would have been 12. That is all.


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