Magic Mike: I can’t believe no one stripped out of a wizards robe in this.

Well I did it. I went to see Magic Mike. But here’s the most shocking thing: I WAS SOBER. That’s right. I went to a movie that pretty much begs for you to be wasted while watching it, stone sober. I dropped the ball(s) (See in that joke I was referring to testicles to go with the theme of stripping, jokes are very hard to write you see)

Right Daniel?

Anyways, how I came to view this movie was a real “get in bitch, we’re going” situation. I got a text from two of my work friends (who are no doubt reading this at work) asking if I wanted to go, and that they would be at my house in 5 minutes to pick me up. My hands were tied, I was practically kidnapped!

I feel I have to mention this: the theater was fucking packed with bitches. And this was a weeknight. Single dudes need to start showing up in leather vests at showings of this movie, I guarantee you will get at least one phone number or weird hand job. Anyways, despite the movie being pretty ok, there was obviously some things they could have done that would have made it better. (Take note writers of Magic Mike 2: Quest for the jewelled penis pump)

1. MORE OF TARZAN

This was one of the best photos I could find! page 8 of google images had a picture of Jennifer Lawrence and Shredder from the Ninja Turtles Movie, so I jumped ship.

There was a lot of “sexy” men in this movie, you’ve got your Channing Tatum,  Alcide from True Blood, that one Mexican(?) dude from CSI: Miami, that guy from that god awful Beauty and the Beast remake they had a few years ago and I regretfully watched on a flight to London, Matt Bomer (who really should have legally changed his last name to boner for this film) and ughhh…McConaughey

But the real star was TARZAN! he was male stripper played by an ex Pro Wrestler, Kevin Nash to be more specific. His talent shone through in several ways:

• BEING NAMED FUCKING TARZAN
• Passing out after drinking too much GHB, thus moving the plot forward to allow some other dude to be a new stripper
• Being at least 4 or 5 dance steps behind everyone else in their group dance number
• Remaining in the background of an entire scene laying on the floor after said GHB overdose
• BEING NAMED FUCKING TARZAN
• Swinging from a frigging rope in one of his dances

I really feel like if I haven’t sold you on this movie already you are an idiot. I’m telling you right now, Tarzan is the true winner and I was very sad he didn’t get more screen time. He wasn’t included in any of the promotional material and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t even on the movie poster but STILL!! Look at these sweet moves:

Ahahah he has zero clue of what’s going on!! Actually the longer I look at this gif it seems like no one besides Channing Tatum has any idea of what they’re doing, or the life choices that brought them to this moment.

2. Make the dancing less impressive (to make me feel better about myself)

Tarzan aside, the dancing was extremely impressive. They were popping and locking and stepping up to the street and bringing it on and other dance movie titles!

They were getting their groove back! (I’ve never actually seen this movie, I assume it has to do with dancing? and judging by the cover….beaches?)

They had this group number that was set to It’s raining men (which seemed like it was solely for the enjoyment of the gay men in the audience) and they were busting a move all over the place. As an extremely uncoordinated white girl who can barely make it past stage 2 on Dance Dance Revolution, I found this very discouraging. Not only are these dudes much better looking than me, but they also dance better than me.  I have to go on record to say that I used to absolutely hate Channing Tatum. Friends will recall that I referred to him as a “no necked mouth breather” but after 21 Jumpstreet, I was totally sold. Why hasnt this dude been doing comedies this entire time?

The Chanman (that just happened) proved his worth to me even more in this movie by gyrating his way into my heart with his amazing dance moves.  I even tried out a sexy dance move on my friend Jenna on the way to the bathroom (you’re welcome for that by the way) but it just wasn’t the same. So please, writers of Magic Mike 2 who are no doubt reading this,  make the dancing more on the level of us mere, uncoordinated mortals.

3. Make the main girl less sour

Pretty much her standard look for the entire movie.

Obviously a movie needs a love interest. I have no idea why they went with such a plain sour girl though. I don’t want to be one of those girls who harps on other girls, but I’m full of hate so I guess I am. I had no problem with how this girl looked, or even really her acting ability but the character she was playing was so extremely unpleasant I couldn’t understand why Mike wanted anything to do with her.

Well NOW I can understand why he loves her! It must be her easy smile, and her carefree lightheartedness!

She (I can’t remember her name at all) was the sister of the new stripper (I can’t remember his name either) that Mike (I can only remember his name because it was in the title of the movie) was friends with. She was super bitchy the entire time and completely overreacted at one point in the movie.

oh they look like they have a lot of fun together! those crazy kids!

SPOILER ALERT: Mike and her brother go on a bender one night and she shows up at Mikes house the next day looking for him and then spazzes the hell out when she sees him laying on the floor in a pile of his own vomit. Hear me out:  He was not on his back a la Jimi Hendrix or Jesse Pinkmans girlfriend from season 2 of Breaking Bad, he was just laying on his stomach with a teensy bit of vom laying next to him. But she totally flew off the handle and started acting like a real buzzkill.

 

Maybe I’m an awful person, but I think I would be more mad that a dude barfed on my carpet than if he was potentially choking to death. Also there was a baby pig eating some of it. This movie is weird. I feel I should also mention that one of the girls I was at the movie with had barfed into a pint glass at our last years Christmas party and it was very impressive. This dude should take lessons from her.  Seriously, she like filled it just to the brim and none of it spilled over. It’s actually pretty impressive. Kudos Jenna!

4. Less awkward small talk

….also less of that yellow shirt. NO WAIT! MORE of that yellow shirt. Like so much more of it that it just right over that stupid face of his. 

Half of the scenes I was almost convinced the actors had no idea the cameras were even rolling. I think the entire script was an afterthought because everyone involved realized they needed something in-between the dancing to give ladies in the audience time to fan themselves and clutch their pearls. I assure you, I did not get the vapours during this movie but I was very close during some of Tarzans expert dancing.

The actual movie itself kinda puttered out after a climax (see what I did there) and they just kinda awkwardly wrapped up the love story and didn’t really delve into the fact that the other dude in the movie was heading down the path of abusing drugs and using women, that Mike had given up his life savings, and that whoever sold Matthew McConaughey that yellow shirt was still at large, but who cares because the chanman and that sour chick kissed finally!!! I was definitely satisfied with the rushed ending that doesn’t really hold up to scrutiny.  It had strippers you guys. STRIPPERS WOOOOOOO

WEINERS!!!!!!

LMFAO GTFO

Like many of you poor unfortunate souls (holla to my guuurl Ursula) I work in an office. This does have several advantages such as gifts of free booze and candy from other companies around Christmas time, and the occasional day when you do around 45 minutes of actual work and spend the rest of the day wheeling around on your chair and making personal phone calls. There is a dark side to working in an office though, and I’m not talking about having to listen to a recap of last nights The Biggest Loser, I’m talking about the radio.

You dirty motherfucker.

I used to like new music when I was a teenager, but now that I’m an old bitter bitch I very rarely like any of the music played on the radio. It’s often a baffling ordeal for me. I’m getting old and I hate it. (Who the hell are One Direction and where did they come from) But this isn’t about some stranger bitch version of Take That whose stupid hit song always makes me think it’s Summer Lovin’ from Grease when it starts, this is about a group far more offensive to my eyes, ears and probably nose if I got close enough to smell them.

I’m talking about LMFAO. They have been in my peripherals for a while but only once I started listening to the radio was I fully immersed in their awfulness. By my count they only have 2 actual songs. They might have more, but if they do they all sound the same as the original 2. These 2 songs are played nonstop on the radio and I’m really scared that I am going to Hulk out and smash the hell out of that radio one of these days. Hopefully my bright purple work pants rip into shorts when this happens.

I feel this photo of Jon Hamm meeting one of the idiots from this band sums up my feelings for them perfectly:

That’s the stuff.

First lets tackle the fact that the band is named LMFAO. This enrages me. I cannot stand when people type LMFAO or ROFL, mainly because it seems like it’s always out of touch moms that use these terms. I may not be one to judge because I have a folder on my desktop titled “Lulz” that is just full of funny pictures I find on my Internetting adventures, but that’s neither here nor there.

This was in the folder. I have no memory of saving it, but I am really glad I did because I’m laughing so hard I’m wheezing and crying.

Anyways, they claim their band name stands for “Loving my family and others” but I call bullshit on that because that is the stupidest acronym I have ever heard, and is somehow even worse than Laughing my fucking ass off.

The two dipshits also have the most ridiculous names ever. Even Frank Zappa would think it was too much.

We have RedFoo (I can’t) and SkyFoo (even deal with this)  I have no idea which is which and quite frankly I don’t care to know.

I hope that girl got hazard pay for letting those turds touch her stomach

But that’s not even the worst part. One of them is 37 goddamn years old. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS??? That is super troubling. When you’re 37, you shouldnt be saying “sorry for the party rocking” you should be screaming at your college aged neighbours at 430 in the morning for keeping you up with their “party rocking” He also apparently used to be a day trader? I really hope that isn’t true and Wikipedia is just messing with me.

 

When I was a young miss and frequented bars, there was always this one stupid ass song by Buckcherry called Crazy Bitch. It was so terrible but whenever it came on there would always be shrieks from girls all around the bar as they hurdled towards the dancefloor to dance all sluttily while looking around to see if any guys noticed them. At the time I thought this was a great technique to filter out the normies from the crazies, and I still stand by that. I think LMFAO songs are the 2012 version of Crazy Bitch.  If you see a girl dancing like a skank to that song, you need to steer clear. In saying that, I did dance to an LMFAO song with my friends a few months ago but in my defense I was hideously drunk and I’m not proud of my actions. I can also assure you I was less “dancing sluttily” and more “doing the dance Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club”  I also stubbed my toe. : (

Well this is the part where I was going to post one of their music videos but frigging youtube made me sign up and bla bla bla, so here’s just a picture of my face while watching an LMFAO video

I feel my rage induced double chin speaks for all of us.

 

GUHHHHH that was brutal. Oh and that face is 10% reacting to the fact that there are at least a dozen videos on Youtube of teen girls dancing to that song. I am so glad I do not have a teenage daughter that has access to a webcam. Good God. All the incriminating evidence of me doing embarrassing things as a child was captured on disposable cameras and could easily be destroyed in a nice, cleansing fire, but really all I have to hide is shit like this:

This photo sums up my childhood extremely well. Bowl cut, big buck teeth, Mens baggy shirt that features an Iguana and says WILD THING underneath it. I also loved pairing that shirt with a pair of purple corduroy pants. I’m a style icon.

 

The worst thing about LMFAO is that they know they are terrible. They have to. They’re like “ya, guess what? We’re rich as hell with our stupid hair and our dumb white glasses with no lenses and you are going to just all eat it up like the rabble you are” They’re essentially super villains! So that means they must be stopped by any means necessary. Is that Warehouse from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark full yet? can we stick them in there? or drop them into some sort of bottomless pit? or just shoot them in the back of the head execution style?

 

Who am I kidding, even in death they will continue to irritate us. They’d probably get buried in matching zebra print coffins and make the pall bearers wear bright red skinny jeans. The priest is standing there wearing a sleeveless t shirt that’s 4 sizes too small that has PARTY ROCK written on the front in pink capital letters. And then they would haunt us all with annoying spectres of death doing the dougie  at the foot of our beds in the middle of the night. The horror. THE HORROR.

I think this picture just gave me hives.