5 More freaky fetishes

Now I don’t want you assholes to think I’m some sort of sick bitch because I somehow know about all of these weird fetishes. The key point here is that I am aware of them but do not dig any of them.You might have read my older article about these sorts of erotic wonders but I promise you these ones are much, much more offensive.  I know you sickos know about some weird shit yourselves so don’t judge me. Let’s get this erotic(???) train rolling

1. Rule 34

The main source of my knowledge of these terrible, yet utterly hilarious fetishes is The Internet.  Ahh The Internet what would I do without you?  You’re like the Jack to my Rose, or the girl to the guy in that movie The Notebook. But you can also be the Dr. Moriarty to my Sherlock Holmes, the Lindsay Lohan to my justice system. Yet, I always come back to you even though you are responsible for Rule 34.

Not really a fetish per say but still something worth mentioning based solely on its troubling existence. Rule 34 is that if you can think of it there is a porn out there somewhere of it.  Pretty funny concept right? WRONG. Go ahead, think of two totally random things and I’m certain there is probably porn of one or both of them. I will be using my good friend MS Paint to cover up the offending pieces because, come on guy, this is a family place. But keep in mind that whatever you think is going on behind those black bars is probably what is happening and that I had to see it. The things I do for you.

Winnie the Pooh and the Cheerios bee? Check

I'll never eat honey nut cheerios again

The dudes from Mythbusters? We have that

Myth...busted? oh dear lord

Wall-E and Eva even though they’re robots? Goddamn it I wish there wasn’t but there is.

mother of god

Tony Stark somehow making out with Iron Man suit even though he’s Iron Man…so I guess just Tony Stark making out with his own helmet? We clearly have that.

that is one big head.

As you can tell I could go on but I really don’t want to. Please don’t make me. Also my upstairs neighbour came down to tell me she was having a party and I’m 100% sure she saw me looking at that Mythbusters one so that was neat. I’m sure, well I hope, most of these are made by people as a joke and most of them are restricted to various characters from TV and movies but I’m sure there’s a really, really nonsensical one that is also very well drawn so that it makes you wonder about the person who made it. I’m sure one of them is out there somewhere. Or here, which I’m going to show you  now:

I'm going to continue to never drink Mountain Dew again

Yes that is a can of Mountain Dew fucking what appears to be a ham sandwich. If only the artist chose to make it a Coke can fucking a Pepsi can, then he could claim it’s a statement on consumerism or some bullshit. But no, he just like seeing sandwiches getting banged by inferior soda products. YOU SICKO.

2. Pregnant Men

I totally forgot this movie existed but now I sort of want to rent it.

Pregnant Men fetish or MPreg as they call it in the biz, is I hope a huge joke but knowing the Internet and humanity as a whole, I’m sure this unfortunately the case. I stumbled upon this fetish when I saw this badboy on a website I frequent:

Wait.. is their house on the freakin' moon?

Obviously hilarious right? Well I made the unfortunate choice of trying to google that picture again later on and was both amused and terrified by the results. This fetish is exactly as it sounds: people getting off on images of pregnant men. I don’t know if it’s the morning sickness, the swollen ankles or the danger of peeing while laughing because there’s a goddamn baby pressed up against your bladder but something about it really rings these people’s bells. Also, there is a disturbing amount of drawings of a pregnant Professor Snape. Why just Snape and not Harry or someone else? I have no idea and I don’t want to know.In fact while trying to google a picture of it I found this:

http://www.shivered.info/snapempreg/fics/title.html

Yea, it is an entire website devoted to stories and drawings of a fictional wizard who may or may not be evil but is 100% with child. What the fuck Internet? You are tarnishing my love of Alan Rickman!

I really don’t know if I can move past this but I guess I should just soldier on.  I assume that unlike most fetishes, this one can only be expressed through horrible manipulated photos and shitty drawings because as far as I can tell there is no video footage of a pregnant man.

…except I guess the aforementioned Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Oh god could you imagine people jerkin off to that? Actually, it’s probably better for your spiritual well-being if you don’t.

3. Pedaling

Goddamn it Internet. What is..HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THE SIZE OF THAT STEERING WHEEL

This fetish revolves around the hot and steamy concept of a woman being stranded on the side of the road with car problems that just keeps pushing down on the gas pedal instead of calling BCAA like any other normal human being. This fetish especially bothered me because I can’t help but think of the potential money to be made if I videotaped that time I accidentally drove over a printer from the 80’s that was in the middle of my street once. And no I am not making that up I THOUGHT IT WAS A BOX ALRIGHT??

you smug son of a bitch

But if only I had known about this fetish I could have put that video up on this amazing site: http://www.pedalpumpinggirls.com/ and be warned, it is Exactly what it sounds like. I guess it’s actually probably pretty easy money for the girls in the video, they just have to dick around under the hood of a car for 6 minutes.

Anyways, because this fetish doesn’t necessarily include nudity you can actually find videos of it on youtube, which is nice for the perverts who want a safe for work wanking alternative.

This video and most pedal fetish videos seem to me to be what happens when you stop making a porn right before the sex starts happening. This is like a pizza boy delivering pizzas to a lonely housewife fetish that ends when she tips him and he gets back into his shitty Corolla. I just don’t get it but maybe that’s a good thing. Chalk one up for my soul!

4. Woolies

"I dunno guys, should I put on more wool? Is there such a thing as too much wool? I don't think so."

Goddamn it I am really starting to hate society as a whole. So woolies are people who get freaky with wool, more specifically wearing shit tons of wool and I don’t know..dancing around in it or dry humping or something. I can see several things wrong with this fetish:

1.Static electricity

2.Wool is itchy as all hell you guys

3.Seems that heat exhaustion would be a bit of an issue during a particular rousing session of being weird with wool suits

4.This fetish is awful because of the lack of tomatoes and dongs.

Uh wow, I stand corrected. Now I'm just going to call child services on an entirely different matter.

This is like the ultimate fetish for horribly burned people or extremely fat people, or that super ugly Mexican guy that’s in all those movies. Pretty much anyone who doesn’t want to be seen by society or who society does not want to look at. So Kudos to you wool freaks I guess! as long as we don’t have to look at your weird suits.

quit that!

5.Sneezing fetish

pictured: a filthy whore

OH COME ON NOW! Of all the symptoms of cold and flu season to be aroused by I must say sneezing is the worst. What about coughing? now that’s sexy! give me some nice whooping coughs oh baby, that’s the stuff.

Apparently the idea of some girls sneezing her brains out is goddamn erotic to some people. Which makes allergy season my least favorite time of year and some people see it as goddamn Christmas. Some people say that a sneeze is like 1/10th of an orgasm or something like that so maybe that’s why people think sneezing is sexy? I am going to disagree because half the time I sneeze I get snot in my hair and one time I wanged my head off my knee and almost KO’d myself. So maybe I’m just bitter against this fetish because I’m not a sultry sneezer and I’m just jealous. Or maybe it’s because I’m not a maniac who gets off on girls who have a cat allergy.

that's right...sneeze for me you little tramp

Despite my hopes that this would be a fringe fetish there is of course thousands of people who enjoy this and they, of course, all have Internet connections.There’s the sneeze fetish forum which has as many rules and regulations as a goddamn mortgage agreement and there’s also sneezing beauties which I’m sure spend most of their budget on the pepper they throw in their models faces. Also after looking at this website and just sneezing pictures in general I’m led to believe that people look their absolute worst when they sneeze. I’ve seen poised and graceful people sneeze and they looked fucking hilarious so I can only imagine how awkward I must look when I sneeze. See, there’s my bitterness coming back again. Why can’t a be a sexy sneezer? WHY??

5 more snackfood fails

Some of you may remember my very very early article about fucked up snack foods well after re-reading that, I realized I only scratched the horrible tasting surface of this horrible snack food epidemic. I mean, when we live in a society that has Tombstone pizzas in vending machine format there is surely thousands of bad products, but I’ve decided to just highlight a few that I have personally experienced. Once again, my torment will be your joy.  You sicken me.

you thought I was lying about the vending machine didn't you?

1. Orbitz

It's got a pointless Z at the end so strike one already Orbitz

I totally forgot about this soft drink bastard for years until just recently when I drinking in a hot tub and someone said “hey remember Orbitz?” and of course I did because no one can bury a memory forever (Right Uncle Lou?!)  I think these things were only around for like half a year when I was 11 years old, and with good reason: these drinks not even look disgusting they also taste disgusting. If it smelled disgusting the makers of Orbitz might have been able to market their drink by advertising their hat trick of utter terribleness, like those jellybeans that taste like farts or whatever.

My friends and I used to roam the streets of the neighbourhood where we grew up and there was a convenience store we would always go to and buy candy and one on fateful journey rent the movie Akira for the only reason that it said on the cover that it was not for children. And how right they were. But we’re not here to talk about animated movies set in a futuristic Japan, we’re here to talk about a horrible drink that might have actually come from Japan it was that goddamn retarded.

To answer your question: No I have no idea what the hell is going on and I have seen this movie three times.

One day on a trip to the store we saw these badboys. And being idiot children we obviously wanted to buy this drink that had a bunch of weird balls floating around in it. That drink could have been everything I wanted and more but as I drank it my mouth was instantly full of tiny, squishy balls that I obviously did not want anywhere near my mouth. The liquid part of it wasn’t like normal soda either, it was a weird syrup because I guess they needed something to keep those gross balls suspended and gypsy magic was too difficult to harness. So it was a real experience drinking one of these, and even as a child who loved sugar I knew there was something wrong and dirty about drinking what was essentially sugar water with little balls of sugar in it. It was an abomination.  I also remember they came in really shitty flavours like coconut berry and whatnot.  These things were really gross all around and they were quickly pulled off the shelves even before Christmas that year.

2. Doritos 3D

Holy Moly! Forget Doritos 3D I want these chips!

These came out a few years ago and also quickly disappeared from existence. Hey, Doritos: you have a good thing going, don’t fuck with what works well and what works well for you is making a cheese flavoured triangle that occasionally cuts the roof of your mouth and makes your breath smell like garbage. But not satisfied with ruling the 2D world of nacho chips, Doritos decided to try to conquer the third dimension. You got greedy Doritos.

pictured: three huge jackasses

I absolutely loathed 3D Doritos and would verbally berate anyone I saw eating them because why the fuck would you buy those when there are perfectly good 2D Doritos sitting right there. WHY.  When I first bit into one of these bastards I was appalled because it felt like I just bit into a corn chip filled with stale air. You know when you blow up a balloon and then accidentally suck some of the air out backwards and it tastes all gross? That’s what I hated about 3D Doritos. I can’t be the only person who thought this. Please God don’t let me be the only person who has thought this. Plus the ad campaign was just as obnoxious as the product itself, which I assume was the brainchild of some genius who thought everyone would think a 3D chip was MORE EXTREME. I specifically remember this ad where a guy was chillin’ in a library eating Doritos like the cool dude he is and HOLY SHIT he bites into one and everything goes crazy because it’s 3D!!!! and the old woman working is all SHHH THIS IS A LIBRARY but he’s all SHUT UP YA OLD BITCH I’M EXTREME. Well you guys get the gist of it. I checked youtube but nothing came up for “Doritos 3D old bitch in library” so you win some you lose some.

3. Candy pipes

they make you look like Sherlock Holmes but they taste like garbage. BE FOREWARNED

I goddamn hate these things and only once did I attempt to eat one, I must have had a good reason like some sort of really good pipe joke or maybe I was possessed I don’t really remember the scenario, just that it was probably the biggest mistake of my life. Who the hell thought up these things? I mean really? REALLY?

“Hey, you know what kids love? Pipes. You know what else they love? The taste of black licorice. Let’s put the two together and then leave them to age for years in that glass case up at the till that you have to stare at while you wait for your debit card to go through”

Fuck you  candy pipe makers! I think I must have tried one because I really loved those spiderman and popeye cigarette sticks and I imagined that a pipe would be twice as fun but I was sadly misinformed. The only people who like them are, I assume, the same people who like wine gums. And I know for a fact my brother likes wine gums so I should give him one of these and gauge his reaction. It’s for science, you see.

4. Sun Chips

Sunchips: not healthier than any other potato chip but gives you the ability to look down your nose on people eating Pringles

yea, I said it. Sun Chips are fucking terrible. You know those munchie mixes with the pretzels and the (thank god) 2D Doritos and the cheesies? Well mixed in amongst those delicious treats is this sick son of a bitch: the Sun Chip. It’s so awful I pick it out and leave it in the bowl. If you are ever at a party with me and there is munchie mix nearby you better get to it quickly because I will pick that mother clean and leave you with a depressing bowl of sun chip residue.

Sun Chips came out when I was like 7 and I instantly hated them because in the commercials it was all “oooh we’re having fun and we’re healthy and these chips are healthy and if you eat them David Suzuki and Al Gore will come to your house and shake your hand for being such a friend to the enviroment” Fuck you Sun Chips! you are a potato chip and you are making me feel like a dick. I feel the same way towards Sun Chips as I do towards Kashi. You can’t use my own white liberal guilt against me to force me into buying a 14 dollar box of cereal because it has whole grains that weren’t picked by tiny child slaves. How dare you. Just look at this pompous goddamn potato chip ad:

Ok what? That commercial was a perfect mix of vagueness and smug self-satisfaction. Godamn it Sun Chips! you aren’t any better than any other sort of potato chips and just because you put your version in a compostable bag doesn’t make anyones ass any less fatter or give them their foot back that they lost to diabetes. GO TO HELL.

Plus your chips taste like garbage.